PORTRAIT: KATE COPELAND ILLUSTRATION: SCOT T BALMER
Beforemeeting someone new, do you look
them up online to find out more about them?
That’s not a great way to start conversations...“Theamateursurveillance that weall do (me included)hides a fear ofvulnerability”aveyou ever looked up your
friends online? Scrolled through
their updates, binged on their
Insta, read an ancient blogpost,
or even gone down the rabbit hole and
found their first profile pic? How’d
it make you feel? Closer, or creepy?
Dirt-digger, or voyeur? Or are you a
person who refuses to go there on
principle, preferring to allow friends
old and new to reveal their hobbies,
likes, dislikes and opinions to you
at their own pace?
I’m part of the latter camp. I get
really creeped out when I discover
that someone’s looked me up online,
so I try not to do it to anyone else.
An article by Justine Gangneux in
the September 2019 issue of the
journalInformation, Communication
& Societysays I am unusual. She
reveals how normal it’s become for
people in their 20s and younger
to screen potential new friends by
trawling through a person’s social
media profiles, and cross-checking
with other accounts just to make sure
they’ve got the correct information.
I don’t want a dossier on a random
person my mate thinks I should
meet. If my mate thinks I should
meet someone, I trust them. And
I trust that the person I’m going to
meet will talk about stuff they find
interesting, rather than wait for me to
prompt them with targeted questions.
But I am old, and weird in my
social media profile fact-checkingaversion. I get why it might be
something you’d do. I had a friend
who, years ago, was newly single and
was exploring online dating. She met
someone she hit it off with, and was
considering meeting up with him.
But she then discovered through a
bit of archaeological digging that he’d
been accused by his ex-partner, and
several other unrelated women, of
sexual assault. That’s a good example
of why you would want to check up
on someone.
But what Gangneaux writes about
goes beyond safety management. She
explains that pre-checks of mutual
acquaintances allows the person
snooping to make guesstimates about
whether meeting this person would
be a waste of time and emotionsor not. Because meeting the wrong
person for a 30-minute coffee can
be such a bummer in your busy life.
Her participants feared lulls in
conversations that would have to be
filled with clarification questions.
They wanted to avoid having to
engage with someone they didn’t
agree with. They poked around
profiles to check political affiliations,
match music and gather talking
points. Stuff you can find out in 15
seconds face-to-face, but can make
the remaining 29 minutes and 45
seconds feel like an eternity.
The amateur surveillance that we
all do (yes, me included) hides a fear
of vulnerability, and an aversion
to different opinions. This is how
the internet’s filter bubble transfers
offline. It’s also how we find ourselves
so emotionally bruised when we
discover that the rest of the world
doesn’t think like we do.
So next time you’re tempted to
do a little digging, resist. Allow the
other person to be in charge of the
direction that conversation travels.
You might discover you’re open to
learning something new.A L E K SKROTOSKI
Aleksis a social
psychologist,
broadcaster
and journalist.
She presents
The Digital
Human.COMMENTHSTOP SNOOPING!