202 Friendship and Conflict
communicate a disregard for the victim that elicits a search for deeper meanings in
the friend’s actions. The results of this search may threaten cherished beliefs about
the friendship, the friend, and/ or the self. Compounding this tendency is the fact
that the symbolic meaning associated with transgressions or provocations appears
to be greater when the transgressor is a friend (or other close relationship partner)
rather than acquaintance or stranger (Rapske et al., 2010). It may be deeply disturb-
ing to find oneself the victim of sexual betrayal under any circumstances. It may be
even more profoundly upsetting, however, to discover that the extradyadic partner
is a friend. We expect better behavior of our friends and, when their behavior fails to
live up to these higher standards, we may be more angry and feel more deeply vio-
lated than when others with whom we are less interdependent offend. Such “rules”
of friendship (Argyle & Henderson, 1984) are dictated socially, shape the expecta-
tions that individuals hold for their friends, and often differ by gender (Felmlee,
Sweet, & Sinclair, 2012).
Gender and Friendship
In this section, we discuss the role of gender in forgiveness and revenge among friends.
This is an important topic of inquiry because research suggests that social norms
regarding gender impact friendship rule expectations (Felmlee et al., 2012) and thus
judgments and reactions to violations of such expectations (Miller, Worthington,
McDaniel, 2008). More generally, we devote considerable attention to gender because
we believe that it contributes in a unique but complex way to our understanding of
forgiveness and revenge in friendship. That is because our discussion of the role of
gender necessarily involves a consideration of the characteristics of the victim and the
transgressor (gender of the friends), the friendship (same- vs. cross- sex friendships),
and the transgression (e.g., sexual tension in cross- sex friendships). We first review
gender differences in friendship rules within same- and cross- sex friendships and then
discuss research findings on the association between gender and forgiveness/ revenge
within friendships.
Despite many similarities between men’s and women’s friendships (Wright,
2006), there are also marked differences. Research on friendships of girls and
women reveals high levels of empathy, self- disclosure, and friendship maintenance
behaviors (Helgeson, 2009; Matlin, 2012; Oswald & Clark, 2006; Rose & Asher,
2004). Males’ same- sex friendships, on the other hand, involve shared activities
that are often of competitive nature (Vigil, 2007). Men are also less inclined than
women to self- disclose to their same- sex friends because such an action may be per-
ceived as giving other men a competitive advantage (Greif, 2009). Overall, men’s
same- sex friendships are characterized as lower in both maintenance and intimacy
compared with women’s (Helgeson, 2009; Matlin, 2012). In view of differences in
the way that men and women manage certain aspects of their same- sex friendships,