he was likely to lose touch with friends after
graduation. He also admits he bad "granc11ose"
ideas about taking onLinkedln.
He acknowledges that PRMs can be dilfic:ult
to stay on top of for most people. "It'salot of
work," he says. "The benefit is too vague and
too far intothefutuze to justify all of the inputs
iequin!d.'"Tbeieasonsoma.nyinputs are
needed is because it is really hard to
consolidate all the applications we aheadyuse
-emails, cal.endara, Slade. WhataApp, Telegram,
phone logs-into asingle PRM. The apps can
also wind up feeling redundant. I didn't bother
witbbirthdayremJnclersinmyPRMsbecause
Fac:ebookhas done the job perfectlyforyean.
Another issue is whether we truly want to
stay so connected. "Bynatwe our relationships
are ephemen.I," says Buemore. I'm happy to
natumUy let some relationships go-I don't
want to keep in touch with everyone I met at
univenity. :fbrezample. It feels strange to force
friendships when it may be time to drift apart.
As such. I saw no immediate benefits from
the apps, and the long-term benefits advertised
felt we:irdlytmnsactional For example, Dex's
home page promises you can "tumtheperson
atanetwortingeventintosomeonewhohas
)'OU!' back". On a practical level, I also found
that I remembered the appointments,
anniversaries and anguishes of close friends,
making the ieminders redundant. Setting
reminders for people Iwu lesa close with-to
aakanacquaintanc:e how a work project went,
ibrfnatanre-left me feeling more creepy than
caring when I :reached out. After all, howwould
people feel if they knew I was only chatting to
them because an app told me to?
"Most of us have electmnicc:alendars where
we input our friends' birthdays, so an app isn't
that far of a stretch from that concept But if we
are using software to remind us how to bea
friend. that seems a little more mechanic:al."
says Suzanne Degges-White, a professor of
counselling at NorthemDlinois University and
author oflbxic Priendships: Knowing the rules
and deaUng with the.friends who break them.
wainwright understands this criticism. He
says he doesn't like to usethetenn •personal
CRM" as it can be off-putting to the people who
are being relationship managed. On a personal
level, Degges-White says she would "lfketo
thintagoodfrlend wouldn'tneedanappto
rememberthatfdjustbrokenupwithmy
partner or that rd gotten a new dog last week':Remember, remember
Despite my dfmc:ulties, many people swear by
PRMs. TunothyLuoma.aPresbyterJanpastor
inPlattsbmgh.NewYmk. usesUpHabitto
remember the details of his parishioners'
lives, in particular, to teeptnclc of death
anniversaries. "The overall goal is to make
swethatlam takinggoodcareofmyentire
amgregation,andnotjustthosepeoplewhol
see regularly, or the squeaky wheels," he says.
Luoma also uses reminders to call each
memberofhiscongMgationontbeirbirthday.
"Phones are not new. ca1endan are not new.Without meeting
Ntui.rtyln
person,
friendships
lnevltablygrow
men distantSowhydidn'tpreviouspastorscallpeople
on their birthdays? Well, lfl bad to use a
calendar ofbirthdaJB and then had to loot
up people's phone numbers, I might not do it,
or it might seemlilce a hassle." he says.
Themmelusetbeapps, tbemozel
am convinced they suit niche needs like
Luoma's. Itis also easy to see how PRMs
couldbehelpfultopeoplewhohavememmy
loss or who may struggle with social
connectJon. At. least anecdotally, for now the
appsseemto befavouredbypeoplewhose
careers :rely on intertwfningthe personal
and proieuional, and. unsurprisingly, early
adoptenofnewtechnology.
WhenlaskWainwrighttoputmeintoudl
with UpHabit users, the first thMe people he
iefers me to all work in tech. Edmund White,
who is at a software company in Brooklyn.
tells me that befmedownloadmg UpHabithe
kept a spreadsheet of his acquahrt.anc:es after
learning that networking is crudal forsw:cesa.
"ltnewthiswaaon.eofmyweakpointsand
something I was not comfortable with," he
says. White maintains SS relationships in
UpHabit. Ironically, using the app has made
him need it less. "I now think about others
and will sometimes follow up without being
promptedbytheapp;'hesays.
Despite the hype, the number of people
usJng PBMs remains small. UpHabit baa just
over2s,ooodownloads. Bazemore says Ryze
was clownloadedlesa than 10,000 times and
Dex's operations are so small that its :fbunder
Kevin SUn sent me a personal email offering
toshowmetheropes afterlsilned up.Later,
he told me this unusualmaveprovidesaudal
feedbackformakingtheproduct better.
In truth, PRMs have been popping up since
2011, says Bazemore. •ance every six months
some venture capitalist on TwitterwOI have
atweetstormaboutPBMsandeverybodyin
college thinks, 'Oh, I can build that'," he says.
Most ofRyze's biggest competitors when it
launched in 2017 are also now defunct. "We
had a list of about 1othat existed two years
ago-they don't exist now."
Ultimately, it feels as though PRMs reveal
less about modem friendships andmoreabout
the frenzied start-up culture trying to optimise
every aMa of our lives. I don't doubt these apps
are useful for some people, rm just not one of
them.How's thatforofl!:redknowledge7 IAmelia Tait is a writel' based
in London who specialises
in digital cultun!. Follow her
@amella111hllllltda1010l:Newkflllllltle