Reader\'s Digest Canada - 05.2020

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High Eggspectations

My wife claims she

trusts me, yet she will

always inspect a carton

of eggs I pick out.

— @SOCIAL_MIME

It’s a problem that the

machine I use to do my

work also has a func-

tion where you can

shop for a new duvet

cover for three hours.

— @CAITIEDELANEY

She began that day as

she began all days—

making, immediately

forgetting about, and

then remaking the

same cup of coffee.

— @LIZHACKETT

Cop: Is there any reason

why you were swerving

back there?

Me: I dropped a curly

fry on the floor.

Cop: And you had to—

Me: I had to get it, yeah.

— @THEDREAMGHOUL

that was both still green

and rotting brown.

— ZOE WHITTALL, writer

Gmail: Someone has

signed into your

account!

Me: Yeah, that was me.

Gmail: No, it was on

another device!

Me: Yeah, that was

my tablet.

Gmail: Someone stole

your tablet?!

Me: What? No!

Gmail: Call the police!

— @ARFMEASURES

It Took Me 11 Minutes

to Do That Thing I’ve

Been Avoiding for Three

Months: A Memoir

— @KKINGPARSONS

When I was a child, I
thought the “adult
drink” was coffee.
When I became a
teenager, I thought the
“adult drink” was beer.
As an adult, I’ve real-
ized the “adult drink”
is, in fact ... water.
— @ANNABRANDBERG

Page-Turner
No one is as glued to
any piece of reading
material as a parent
counting down the
songs in the program
for a school concert.
— @COPYMAMA

Going Bananas
I just yelled “Get it
together!” at a banana

Canine Con

— THE NEW YORK TIMES ARCHIVES, shared on Twitter by
deputy editor Tina Jordan

rd.ca 13

LIFE’S LIKE THAT