the washington post
.thursday, march
19,
2020Dc14
A: You are not alone in
wondering how to get children to
stay enthusiastically involved in
the activities they are signed up
for, so let’s unpack this a bit.
The first detail I look at is the
child’s age; yours is 7. Seven is
considered the “age of reason”
for many children. This means
that a 7-year-old can often
exhibit a good deal of patience,
have empathy for others’ feelings
and concerns, and see “a larger
picture,” meaning they can more
regularly use logic and rational
thought; however, this kind of
maturity is not guaranteed.
There can be trauma,
disabilities, giftedness and many
other reasons a child isn’t
maturing, and I don’t know
where your daughter is in her
development. If your child is
anxious, she may want to try new
things, but when the time comes
to go to the new activity, her
anxiety kicks in and gives a
strong no. This isn’t misbehavior.
She wants to do these things, but
her brain is hijacked with fear. Is
your daughter anxious? I don’t
know.
Another detail caught my eye:
“She has managed to find a few
things she likes, and I suppose
we could just do those over andFamily
BY MEGHAN LEAHYQ: How would you handle a
7-year-old who asks to
enroll in a new (to her)
extracurricular activity but
then, when it’s time for the
first session, decides she
doesn’t want to do it before
you’ve even left home,
mopes through the first
class, is rude to the
instructor at worst and
refuses to participate at
best, and won’t go back?
Money can’t be refunded,
and this isn’t the first time
it has happened. I totally
understand that she feels
nervous about new things,
can’t fully know in advance
whether she is going to like
something, maybe isn’t
feeling it on a certain day or
gets a bad vibe from a place,
but I’m beyond frustrated
by this tendency of hers to
not even give a new activity
a fair chance. It’s not all
new activities; she has
managed to find a few
things she likes, and I
suppose we could just do
those over and over until
she’s an adult. But when it’s
her own dang idea to do
something new, and she
seems excited for it, and we
sign her up, and this
situation plays out yet again
— argh! I want to encourage
her to try new things, but I
also don’t want to keep
throwing money away and
sending the message that
she can change her mind
without even giving
something a fair shot and
have there be no
consequences. Thoughts?over until she’s an adult.” You
also mention that she wants to
try new things, and you want her
to try new things, but there
seems to be some disconnect
happening here. Ask yourself
some questions:
l Who is the primary driver of
this “try new activities” need?
You? Your daughter? Be honest
with yourself.
l Does one (or both) of you
have the “something shiny”
syndrome? When the handouts
come home from school or the
emails come in for a new activity,
do you both become distracted
and head straight for it? Is she
doing this? Are you passive
aggressively selling an activity?
(“Oh, French baking! I love
croissants!”) Your daughter will
see your excitement and want to
be a part of the activity.
l Is your daughter over-
scheduled and burned out?
l Do you keep signing her up
for activities that you know will
fall apart? Maybe this lesson to
learn is yours, not hers?
l Is your daughter in charge of
the schedule? You are the parent.
You are the boss. She isn’t
signing herself up for these
things. Have you agreed to this
Kabuki theater of powerstruggles by continuously
signing up for every activity?
l Are you okay with her
sticking to what she likes? Do
you see it as a parenting failure if
she doesn’t try something new
every six months?
l Does your daughter get a lot
of attention for the foot-dragging
and refusals? While exasperating,
it is powerful for your daughter to
have this back-and-forth with you
— almost like the two of you are
equals. I am not suggesting that
she is willfully manipulating you;
I am wondering if you have (un-
knowingly) set up a dynamic
where the two of you do this, over
and over.
l Are you okay with listening
to her cry and whine as you take
her to her activity? Her feelings
are not problematic; she’s
allowed to feel apathetic or
worried. You don’t have to get
into it with her. You can simply
repeat your mantra: “We signed
up for six sessions, and to six
sessions we shall go.” The storm
of her emotions will eventually
subside.
The above questions may
sound a bit tough, but I want you
to get as clear as you can on this
issue. Focusing on changing your
daughter is not the route youwant to go down.
As you ponder all of this, I
recommend spending time with
her (getting ice cream, going to
the park, etc.) and saying, “I’ve
noticed that you don’t enjoy
going to swimming.” Then be
quiet. See what she says, and
really listen to her. What is she
telling you? Is she miserable? Do
you have the sense that she may
like it? You can say, “Well, here’s
the deal: We are going to finish
the swimming lessons, and I
know this may be a pretty big
bummer for you. That’s okay. You
don’t have to be positive about it.
In the meantime, let’s get pizza
after our lesson. That will make
it more fun.” You are holding
your boundary and sweetening
the pot, and that is absolutely
fine.
Find out what these struggles
are truly about. This will lead
you to the most effective
solutions. Good luck! Also at washingtonpost.com
read the transcript of a recent live
Q&a with leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice , where
you can also find past columns. Her
next chat is scheduled for april 1.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].On PArentinGMy 7-year-old is a serial quitter, and it’s costing me a fortune
tHe WasHIngton Post/PrIsma fIlter/IstocK