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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
hen I heard about Gwyneth
Paltrow’s erstwhile “living
apart together” arrangement
(LAT) with her husband,
Brad Falchuk, early in their
marriage, I registered the
typical feeling of envy laced
with derision that Gwyneth so often inspires in me.
“Of course she does,” I thought. But she and Falchuk
aren’t alone. According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s
2019 Current Population Survey, there are roughly
9 million opposite-sex married couples who don’t live
together and who love each other from afar for a vari-
ety of reasons. My husband, Brett, snores so loudly that
I can hear him not only from a different room but from
a different floor. After having three children, I’m prone
to sheet-drenching night sweats. Oh, and we live
with three children. These are only a few of many
factors that preclude our household from
being a haven of hot sex.
It’s not just the practical domestic
considerations that make intimacy
scarce in my marriage, it’s also
the absence of mystery. Famed
couples therapist Esther
Perel wrote in her book
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking
Erotic Intelligence that a sense of
the unknown and unfamiliar is a
critical component to desire: “When
there is nothing left to hide, there is noth-
ing left to seek.” Brett and I are busy seek-
ing our daughter’s lost yellow mittens, or our
baby’s wayward pacifier because his frantic crying
is causing the dog to bark, and the dog’s barking is
prompting our oldest kid to scream, “STOP BARK-
ING!” We don’t have it in us to worry about seeking
anything from each other. Maybe LAT would give us
space to seek the unknown.
Eli J. Finkel, director of Northwestern’s Relationships
and Motivation Lab (RAMLAB) and author of The
All-or-Nothing Marriage, says that highly independent
people are good candidates for LAT arrangements
because it allows them “to enjoy the benefits of involve-
ment in a close relationship without feeling smothered.”
Achieving closeness and connection without having to
adjust my individual preferences and habits to suit anoth-
er’s sounds positively dreamy. And, apparently, research
shows LAT may also pave the way for a stronger bond.
A study published in Journal of Communication in 2013
suggests that couples in long-distance relationships can
achieve equal or greater emotional intimacy than those
who are “geographically close” due to a tendency to
both idealize and disclose more to each other.LAT can also be a viable option for blended families,
since children are spared the stress of relocation or shut-
tling between households. Filmmaker Sharon Hyman is
working on a documentary about LAT, and according to
psychologists she has interviewed, this arrangement can
in fact be healthier for certain families. There’s also a
movement among women who choose LAT for career
reasons, opting to live apart from their partners and chil-
dren during the workweek and spend time with them
on weekends, something that might seem radical at first
glance but that men have been doing since forever.
More women find the idea of LAT appealing than
men, Hyman says, which is unsurprising considering the
gender inequities that persist in many households. Deme-
tria L. Lucas, a life coach and author of Don’t Waste Yo ur
Pretty, says that LAT may eradicate this issue: “There are
chores that most people do for themselves when they
live alone, but somehow when a woman is involved
in a heterosexual relationship, it becomes wom-
en’s work.” LAT could eliminate this odious
“second shift” many women take on and
force men to scour their own toilets.
LAT is part of a larger move-
ment toward defining part-
nership or marriage on
one’s own terms. Psycho-
therapist Joe Kort, founder
and director of the Center for
Relationship and Sexual Health
and author of LGBTQ Clients in Ther-
apy, points out that LAT relationships
were common in the LGBTQ community
before it was a trend, either out of necessity in
a homophobic culture or by personal preference.
“Heterosexual couples are catching on and under-
standing that marriage and relationships do not all have
to look alike and be one way,” he says.
There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all relationship,
and LAT is simply one choice among many. But regard-
less of living arrangement, experts agree that prioritizing
autonomy and resisting routine can be critical components
for a flourishing sex life and a rewarding partnership. This
means communicating about individual priorities and
putting boundaries in place to ensure that those priorities
are met. Lucas recommends “taking a day or a meal to
yourself every once in a while, or even traveling solo
to reconnect with your independent self.”
For my part, I’d love to live a life free from beard-hair-
clogged drains, to drop the kids off at “my husband’s
house” for a few hours or days so I could reacquaint
myself with who I was before I became a wife and mother.
And in my fantasy, this has less to do with avoiding squab-
bles about dishwasher-emptying and more to do with
expanding the sense of potential within myself. ■CAN
LIVING
APART
BRING YOU
TOGETHER?
The key to a healthier relationship and a
better sex life may have to do with
spending more time alone.
By Sara Petersen