Elle UK May2020

When,inmyearlythirties,I metthemanI am

marriedtonow,andthefatherofmynextthree

children,mydesiretohavesexwithhimwasso

strong,asif I wantedtomeltmyselfandbecome

a partofhisDNA .I wascompletelyinlovewith

himforthemomentI methim.Hemademefeel

safebutdeeplyalive;insex,I couldbeasdirty

asI wantedandneverfeltjudgedbyhim.ButI still

hada long-heldprejudicethatgoodsexmustbe

basedonnovelty,soI didn’timagineit couldgoon

withthisintensity.I’dseenthosebored,long-term

couplesinrestaurants,staringintothedistance

insilence.Howcouldsexeverexistasawild,

kineticenergyif thatwasthespaceit livedin?

Butit waswhatpeoplesaid:tradethewild

‘other’ofsexwithstrangersforthesecurityofa

relationship;whatOscarWildecalledswapping

‘thehurlyburlyofthechaiselongue’forthe‘deep,

deeppeaceofthedoublebed’.Afterthreeto

sixmonths,sexina relationshipis portrayedasa

steadydecline,whichhits

rockbottomafter 18 months

andneverpicksupagain.

Wasthattrue?It couldbe,

if youletit,butthisiswhat

fivechildrenandthepast

1Oyearsofmarriagehave

taughtme:thereisnothing

boringabouthavingsex

withthesamepersonif your

emotional connection is

strongfromthestart.Talking

tooneanotheriseasilyas

importantasf*ckingone

another.Keepconnecting

andyouwillfindyourwaythroughtheperiods,

whichwillarisewhensmallchildren,workstress

andlifeexhaustionoverwhelmandsexfallsdown

thelistofpriorities.Butthere’sa pay-off,a deeper

truth,whichcomeswithknowingoneperson

insideoutandtrustingthemimplicitly:sexis theplaceyoucantakerisks.There’spleasureinpain

andpunishment,asmuchasthereis in‘makinglove’,butthere’snowayI’dleta manI’dmeta few

hoursbeforedothekindofthingsmyhusbanddoestome.I trusthimthatI cangotothatplace.

WhatI’vealsolearnedis thatsexwiththesamepersonisn’tboring,if youreally,reallylove

them.It’stheboldestthingI’veeverdone.It’ssteppingintotheunknowntogether.Fallingin

loveissomethingdifferent,whenanalogiesofheartsandrosesreallydoapply,butstaying

inlovewithsomeoneis notlikelifeinsoftfocusatall.It bringssexandemotiontogetherinthe

mostprofoundway.It’sbigger,better,moreineveryway.It’searth-shattering.It’severything.

MyWildandSleeplessNightsbyCloverStroudis outnow

Sex...

AND CAPTIVIT Y

” THERE’S NO WAY

I’D LE T A MAN

I’d met in a bar

A FE W HOURS

BEFORE DO

the kind of things

MY HUSBAND

DOES TO ME ”

87

Elle RE ADS

ELLE.COM/UK May 2020

Photography: Emma Fishman for Goop, 2O18/Condé
Nast Archive. Baard Lunde/Trunk Archive. Andoni
& Arantxa/Trunk Archive.