The Week UK - 28.03.2020

(Nandana) #1
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overhead.But I’dneverfelt more lost.”As
the gravityofher situationbecameclear,she
thoughtabouther death. Sheimagined how
hermotherwouldreactwhen thecallcame,
retreatingtothegardentosmoke and gently
weep. Butjust asquickly,Nelsonpushedthese
thoughts away.“Itoldmyselfthat I’mnot
goingtofocuson that,”she says.Instead, she
entered survivalmode. “Fromthatmoment,
my brainwasfocusedon stayingalive.What
canIdo tocombatthe heat? WhatcanIdofor
shelter?” So shebegantosetherselftasks.She
usedtweezersfromherfirstaidkittotear
herselfoutofhersoiled underwear.She was
abletoapplysunscreentoher legs,andused
apapermap toshieldherself astemperatures
neared40ºC.

She attemptedtorationherwatersupply,
butin the heat,it wasrunningoutfast.So
she decided tostockpile asmuchofher own
urineaspossible,keepingitin anempty
waterbottle. Afreezingnightpassed–andshe
started asecond day trappedonher backand
exposedtothedesertsun.Partlyfortheodd
feelingofcompanyit provided, she beganto
record her videomessages.“In thiscrazy heat,IkeepthinkingI
hearahelicopter,” shesaysbreathlessly, lookingup fromher spot
on theground.“AtonepointIthoughtIheardanambulancein
thedistance. Butitwasallin myhead.” Inthesevideos,she
demonstrateswhat shehasbeendoingtostayalive. She showsoff
ajerry-rigged parasol,constructedusingherwalking pole anda
plasticshoppingbag.She fantasisesaboutacoldcan ofDiet
Coke. Instead,she hasahalf-bottleoflukewarmwee.

By noon onhersecondday,with
no waterleft,dehydration began
tocreep. Shedescribeshow a
throbbingpressuregrewinside
herskull,asthough herbrain
wassomehowwithering.
Curiously, shesays,yourskin
becomescold,evenintheheat,as bloodisrerouted tovital
organs.Hereyeballsbecamedryandfeltdensein theirsockets.So
she pinchedher noseanddrank theurine.“Whichtastedexactly
as you’dthink,”she sighs.“It gets right inyournostrils–like that
smellyougetwhenyou walkpast themen’stoiletsinapub.It’s
theworst.”

Atonepoint, shemade aconcertedefforttomove,butthepain
almostcausedherto passout.Inthe heat,unconsciousnesscould
equaldeath, soshedidn’ttryagain,and focusedinsteadon small,
achievable tasks–“so Iwouldn’tget toodespondent”.Butthere
werealso occasionswhen,shivering under thestars,she spent
time reflecting.“You kind of think, ‘OK. Well, I’m going to die.
Do Ifeelsatisfied with theway I’velivedmylife?’ ”And didshe?
She wasn’t sure.Nels on hadmoved toLondonfrom New
Zealand morethan adozen yearsearlier and establishedacareer
as ajournalistfor foodand travel magazines. Ostensibly, life was
great.“Iwas writing travelarticlesandliving in London, which
had alwa ys been thedream,” shesays. She hadspentyears
strivingfor this, but it didn’t make her happy. She felt lonely,
and under constantpressure to show everyone–friends, family,
colleagues–she was living hervery bestlife.“Ie ndedupinan
awfulcycl ewhere Ibecamedepressed,”shesays.

Thanksto so cialmedia, Nelson wasable to keepher depression
hidden.Shecould “puton amask”and present an imageofher
life asperfect. “I wasvery lonelyandsuffering, andthos eweren’t
thingsIwas admitting to anybody. So my Instagram wasaway
of hidingthat. Youcan putout th ebest version of you,evenif
it’s not thefull version.”There is an irony here,though. Because
if Nelsonhadn’t spent allthose hoursupdating her Instagram

profile, shewould almost certainlyhavedied
in thedesert.Thefriends she washousesitting
for hadnoticedshehad not postedforthree
days,whichwas unusual.Theyaskedanother
friendtocall inonthehouse, where she’d
writtenahandwrittennoteonacalendar
saying“LostPalmsOasis”on 22May.Itwas
now 25May.Panicked,herfriendscontacted
the park rangers’ office.Her carwasfound
parkednearthetrailhead,andonthe morning
of Friday2 5 May,she was officiallydeclared
missing.As searchpartiessetoutinto the
desert,parkrangers hopedtofind heralive–
buttheyexpectedto find acorpse.

Nelson,ofcourse, knew nothingofthis. After
almostfourdays inthe desert,she wasbynow
wellintothe processofdyingofdehydration,
andwasdriftinginand outof consciousness.
Inafinal message,shetellsfamilyand friends
thatshelovesthem.Paleandwithhereyes
half-shut,she mutterstonobodyinparticular.
“Is someonegoingtocome looking forme?”

Several hourslater,she woketothe thrumof
ahelicopter passingoverhead.Amanwas
shouting throughaloudspeaker –“Claire Nelson,wearelooking
foryou. Ifyoucan,makeanysignalsowecan seeyou”–buther
criesinresponsesoundedpatheticallysmall.Eventually ,she made
aflagbyfixingherBobDylan T-shirt tothe improvisedparasol
andwaving withwhateverstrengthshe had left.Afterwhat
seemedlikeanage, thevoicefromtheskyrangout.“Claire,we
see you.We’recomingtogetyou.”It’samomentshestruggl es
adequatelyto describe.“I’ve never felt anythinglike it,”she says,
shakingherhead.“Those wordsareburntintomybrain.”

In hospital,she was treatedfor
dehydrationandunderwentan
operationtopieceherpelvis
backtogether.Her storymade
the news,bothintheUS and
NewZealand,whereshe
returnedto recuperate.Sixweeksafterher rescue, shelearnt
another hiker had gonemissinginJoshuaTree.Hisbodywas
onlyfound inJanuarythisyear. “Thathit mereallyhard,”she
says.“I’mgladhisfamilyhas gotclosure. But Ihaveabitof
survivor’sguilt.Thatcould have been me.”

Since herordeal,she hasreceived afairamountof criticism
online from people –mostlymen–keen totellherthat she
gotwhatshedeserved for going outthere alone.Sheadmits she
shouldhavetoldmorepeoplewhere shewasgoing,butmaintains
there’snothing inherentlydangerousaboutsolo hiking.Recently
returned to London, shesays that shehas not fully processed the
trauma ofwhat happen ed,because whileshecan remember
everythingwith clarity,shecan’t accessthe emotions shewas
feeling at thetime. Sheexpectsshe’ll have to tacklethisevent-
ually.“I’m sort of waiting forit to just jumpout atme one day.”

Sheisstill on antidepressantsand experiencesanxiet y, but her
Inst agramisnow moreopen and honest andshefindsshe has
moreperspective onlife.“I’vegot this second chance at life,”
shesays. “SohowmuchofitdoIwant to giveovertoworrying
about thingsthat don’t matt er?”And forallthe peoplekeen to
criticise her, she has found therearemanymorewho insistthat
they would never have beenable to do what she didandmakeit
through. “They say, ‘Oh,Iwould have diedafter one night.’ But
Idon’t believethat,” shesays. “I thinkweall havethatsurvival
instinct in us.It’sjust that we neverusually have totestit.”

Alongerversionofthis articleappearedin TheTimesMagazine.
©Times Newspapers 2020.ThingsILearn ed fromFallingby
Claire Nelsonis published by Asterat£12.99.

ClaireNelson:a“secondchanceatlife”

The last word

28 March 2020 THE WEEK

“With no water left, dehydration began to
creep.Athrobbing pressure grew inside her
skull, as though her brain was withering”

©T


HE TIMES MAGAZINE/NEWS LICENSING

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