FT_Weekend_Magazine_-_April_4-5_2020

10 FT.COM/MAGAZINE APRIL 4/ 52020

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Makinganewcop

drama out ofacrisis

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ILLUSTRATIONBYLUCASVARELA

ROBERTSHRIMSLEY

THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION

W

ithpolicecalledinto

enforcethecoronavirus

lockdown,thereare

alreadynumerous

instancesofenthusiasticcops

rebukingthosenottakingthenew

rulesseriously.Socialmediais

ablazewithdronefootageofthe

rozzerssnaringdangerousdog

walkers,peopleloiteringwithintent

tosunbatheandevenoneLabour

MP,StephenKinnock,rebukedfor

takinghisdadabirthdaycake.

Thereisapointtothis.

Thepublicityhelpsreinforcethe

messagetotakethelockdown

seriously.Nonetheless,someforces

seematadzealouswiththeirnew

power.Ontheupside,itcouldmake

forsomecrackingnewcrimefiction.

Thescene:Oxford.Agrizzledcoppulls

upinavintageJag.

Ah,Morse,youtookyourtime.

Sorry,sir–Iwascheckingfor

pubsthatwereopenindefiance

oftheregulations.

Findany?

Sadlynot.Sowhat’sthestory?

Punters.

Whatarethepuntersdoing?

Wellpunting,youpillock.Whatdo

youthink?

Isee,sorry,sir.Youmeantit

literally.What’shappenedto

thesepunters?Havetheyfound

abody?Aheadlesscorpsebythe

MagdalenBridgeperhaps?

No,Morse,nothinglikethat.

Well,whatthen?

Theyarepunting.It’snotan

essentialactivity.

Aretheyontheirown?

Yes,butthat’snotthepoint...

I’mhomicide,sir;don’twehave

constablesforthiskindofthing?

Thisisanationalcrisis.It’sall

handstothepunt.Theycouldbe

spreadingthevirus.Thisisvirtually

attemptedmurder.

Itsoundsmorelikeattempted

boating,sir.(Sighs.)OK,who

reportedit?

Noone.Ourdronescaughtthem.

Wescrambledahelicopterbutthe

bastardsescaped.

Iftheywereontheirown,sir,isit

thatbigadeal?

Takethisseriously.Itmightbea

gang.Therecouldbeconspiracy

topunt.We’vegottofindthem.

You’reanOxfordman,useyour

knowledge,visitastatelyhome

first,climbupachurchspire.

Can’twejustgototheboathouse?

No,we’dnevergetatwo-hour

dramaoutofthat.Ohandgetdown

totheTurl,there’sashopselling

inessentialEastereggs.

Eastereggs!Youshouldscramble

allunits.Ifyouneedme,I’llbeat

homewithLohengrin.

I’vetoldyou,Morse,you’remeant

tobeself-isolating.

LineofDuty’ssuperintendent

Hastingsistalkingtocolleagues:

Sowenowhaveclearevidenceof

peopledrivingtowalktheirdogs.

Sir,whatifthesedogwalkersare

someofourown?

Whatdoyoumean,fella?

Wethinkthesedogwalkers

couldbecops.

MotherofGod,bentcoppers.

Yes,sir,dogwalkersinthehighest

levelsoftheforce,that’swhythey

alwaysseemtoknowwhenwe’ve

gotthedronesup.

Doestheassistantchief

commissionerknow?

Wethinkhe’soneofthem,sir.

Doyounotrecognisethisgilet?

We’regonnahavetogetsomeone

inundercover.Anyoneheregota

bichonfrise?

TheSweeneyarrive:

Allright,Kinnock,you’renicked.

We’vegotyoubangtorights.

Whograssed?

Youdid,youmuppet,youtweeted

outapictureofyourselfwithyour

parents,whowehappentoknow

donotliveatyourhomeaddress.

Youvisitedyourdadandtook

himabirthdaycake.

Itwasn’tlikethat,guv.Iwastaking

roundessentialsuppliesandalso

tookacakeforhisbirthday.Havea

heart.Istayedwellbackfromthem.

You’rebreakingmyheart,

Kinnock.You’regoingdownfor

this.Youcouldgetfiveyears,or

perhapsa£30fine.Unless...

Unlesswhat?

Telluswhobakedthecakeand

wemightbepreparedtolook

theotherwaythisonetime.

Secondcop:givemefiveminutes

alonewithhim,boss,he’llcrack.

Whydoyoucarewhobakedit?

We’rerunninglowonflour.

Wecouldusethenameof

yoursupplier.

WelldonetotheFTforthis

importantreporting(“Inside

China’scontroversialmission

toreinventtheinternet”,

March28/29).Weneedto

keepraisingthepressureon

ourgovernments,politicians

andcorporationstodesign

betterpoliciesandbetter

regulation,and,flowingfrom

them,betterstandardsand

technologiesconsistentwith

ourvaluesandneeds.

SierraOneviaFT.com

Hownicetoreadsomethingother

thandepressingnews(“Thedog

stillneedsawalk”,March28/29).

What’smore,thepictures

arebeautiful.Ihavetwodogs

thatIwalkdaily.Thesewalks,

intheincrediblesilencethat

surroundsusnow,offeragreat

opportunityforreflection.

FTreader10viaFT.com

Thanksforsomegreatadvice

(“Howtomanageanxietyand

griefthroughcoronavirus”,

March28/29).Ihavebeenliving

withincurablecancerforfive

years,inchemotherapyandwith

alowimmunesystem,sohave

beenhypersensitivetocoughs

andsneezesforalongtime.

Thepracticaladvicetherapist

JuliaSamuelsetsoutisveryuseful

andinsightful.Iwouldaddtwo

things:bethankfulforeverything–

everydayIfeelisawonderfulgift.

Andtryingtohelpothersisgood

toavoidbecomingself-obsessed.

PilgrimviaFT.com

Thanksforputtingasmileonmy

face(“Honestly,who’dbeaburglar

now?”,March28/29).And...at

leastburglarswearmasks.

Jam2MorrowviaFT.com

[email protected]

@robertshrimsley

InanewdailyFTWeekend LiveQ&Aon theft.com homepage,you can chat toour contributorsonan

aspect oflifeinlockdownatnoon and 5pm UK time.JoingardeningexpertJanePerrone on Saturday

andwine columnistJancisRobinson onSundayforalively below-the-line discussion Qui

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ns

we

rsThe link

wa

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When Harr

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et Sally...

2.Ca

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a3.“

This Charming Man

”4.P

hilip Hammond

5. Lo

uis Blériot

6.George

7.“...a cigar called Hamlet”

8.

Wi

lliam (In the

William

book

sbyR

ichmal Crompton)

9.

Alber

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teptoe 10

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Pictur

eq

uiz

Aston Merr

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+M

artin Compston

=A

ston Martin

@BakerLukeMarch 28

This, via @FTonChina’smission

toreinvent the internet, is the

most important storyyou’ll

read (today,thisweek, month

oryear because it threatens to

dramatically shape our future)