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OSTAGE DAY
No. 21: At some point, men will
need haircuts and the nail sa-
lons will be forced to reopen, or
this thing could get really ugly.
As it is, a lot of husbands are
discovering that their wives
have been coloring their hair.
Once relationship secrets like
that start spilling out, where
does it end?
Turns out the Chardonnay
Moms in our town require a bit
of maintenance. The husbands
require almost zero. Once in a
while, you splash them with a
little Lysol.
“OK, dear, turn around,” the
wives then say, and blast them
with the garden hose.
Remember “Dry January,”
when all the women quit drink-
ing? Apparently that turned
into “Chardonnay March,”
when everybody had a glass or
two at lunch.
Dear Lord, what will April
bring?
It has also come to my atten-
tion that our little suburb now
also has Tequila Moms, even
more thirsty-bold-alluring than
the Chardonnay Moms. It’s like
gang warfare. And the kids are
stuck at home with them. Yikes.
We live now in a world of our
own small, comforting habits.
Everyone is coping differently.
My bored son and I pass long
days practicing his driving. We
drive round and round in giant
loops, admiring the mushroom
clouds of spring.
For a new driver, he’s doing
very well, though I have to re-
mind him that Audis and other
luxe sedans always have the
right of way, at least here in
California.
And he doesn’t quite get stop
signs. Once, he actually came to
a full stop, and the driver behind
him honked.
“See?” I told him. “You’re just

supposed to pause a little.”

“OK, Dad.”

Meanwhile, down in Florida,

my sis-in-law is self-soothing by

putting up Christmas lights —

Corona Lites? In L.A., a one

mom I know is listening to holi-

day carols.

“Silent night, holy night ...”

Sounds like my dating life.

Look, whatever gets you

through the night. I try not to

judge. Heck, I barely move. I’ve

worn the same pair of PJs dur-

ing my entire captivity. I sit

around reading dog-eared Ken

Kesey novels and listening to

Kenny Rankin records.

Doesn’t really pay for me to

be appealing to my captors.

They are snarky and increas-

ingly restless. They pass the

long evenings mixing up differ-

ent flavors of White Claw just for

kicks, the way millennials will.

They huddle over their phones

and giggle at TikTok videos.

They watch “That ’70s Show,” as

if anything with Ashton Kutcher

could ever be any good.

Of all my captors, I love White

Fang the best. As you know, she

was born in a whiskey barrel in

an old mining camp. My late

wife, Posh, had won her in a

poker game before realizing,

“Hey, this dog’s a wolf!”

Poor White Fang. Right now,

she’s a little confused. She won-

ders why we’re home all the time

and not dropping more crumbs

like we used to.

“Because we’re in a crisis, you

idiot!” I tell her.

She also thinks we are mar-

ried.

When I kneel down to futz with

something — the Wi-Fi, the dryer

—White Fang will rest her chin on

the back of my ankle. Sometimes

I will stall a little so she can have

her moment.

Indeed, I’ve fallen for my cap-

tor. Till now, I always thought

Stockholm syndrome was when

you craved reindeer chops and

pickled herring. Nope. It’s more

complicated.

Thing is, there are no secrets

when you’re cooped up with

family this long. The other day, I

revealed my complete confusion

over Trader Joe’s, how I’m prob-

ably the only person who doesn’t

worship rice cakes and all that

weird dairy.

I was immediately swamped

with suggestions for spatchcock

chicken and goat cheese rolled in

Argentine blueberries. Hon-

estly, TJ’s is just a parody of

itself.

As am I.

I’m just glad there are things

to joke about and that we still

find reasons to smile.

Your honesty and resiliency

impress me. My Twitter friend

Gigi reports she’s growing out

her beard.

“Me too!” said my niece.

I hear my buddy Bittner is

building some sort of ark just in

case. My attorney, Billable Bob,

has taken up knitting. Big man.

Sausage fingers. Good luck!

As I said, I don’t judge. For

two weeks, I have been drinking

rum out of one of Posh’s old

riding boots. At this point, I can

almost see the back of the liquor

cabinet. In a few days I’ll be

drinking 35-year-old Midori

mixed with motor oil.

And, sometimes, we’re not

coping so hot. Sometimes, we’re

all just a little scared.

My buddy Jay confesses to,

just before sleep, doing a couple

of test swallows and wondering:

“Is that a sore throat?”

My daughter Rapunzel con-

fesses to, once or twice a day,

pausing to take a few deep

breaths to test her lungs.

When I feel scared, I imagine

striking out the ’27 Yankees. I

pitch Babe Ruth nothing but

butterfly changeups and dirty

curveballs. I zing him tight on

the chin. He laughs a little and

flicks the next pitch into the

North Atlantic. Jerk.

Hey, let’s promise not to fret

more than we have to.

Eventually, the doors will

swing open. In a couple of

months, we’ll be dancing at

weddings again.

And raising a toast to the

mostamazing thing of all: life.

[email protected]

Ben Kirchner

For The Times

T HE MIDDLE AGES

Loving my captors

THE OBJECT OF MY STOCKHOLM SYNDROME IS A WOLF.

BY CHRIS ERSKINE

H