writing this hot take, more than half
said their female friendships give
them anxiety. Yeah, that.
“O u r f r ie nd s h ip s a s a du lt s h ave
reached a confusing place,” says
clinical psychologist Miriam
Kirmayer, PhD, a friendship expert
and person I called because I’m
just too drained to keep this rant
going without professional help.
“There’s a constant expectation
that we need to be doing more,
seeing more people, chatting more
often—and that can bring with it an
immense sense of self-pressure.”
That pressure doesn’t only make
our friendships seem performa-
tive—it also keeps us in endless
orbit with people we might have
otherwise outgrown. I met my
current besties when we were
pledging a sorority, but we aren’t
waited in line for hours (fine, at
least 45 minutes) for a photo op at
the Skydeck in Chicago. Or the time
we all finally got together that one
weekend only so we could get The
Group ShotTM a nd pr e t t y much d i s -
perse immediately. But you know,
we are #blessed!
We’re also tired. So tired. All
the texting, tweeting, tagging,
chatting, Liking, DM’ing, and
what else did I miss? ma ke t h i s fe e l
less like platonic bliss and more like
(unpaid) work—at which we’re
always falling short. Did I comment
“so pretty” the appropriate amount
of times on Lindsey’s posts? Was my
Insta Story birthday tribute long
enough? When I asked 3,000 Cosmo
readers to weigh in before I started
t ho s e p e o ple a ny mor e. We l ive a l l
over the country now—New York,
Colorado, Arkansas. Our relation-
ship statuses range from about-to-
swear-off-Hinge to about-to-get-
engaged. We’re at different places
in our careers. One of us is a proud
parent—to a golden retriever. We’ve
changed, but the expectation is that
our friendships won’t. It feels all-or-
nothing, like you can’t quit one
friend without quitting them all.
I’m not saying that you
should quit them all...but
maybe some? Before you @ me:
Clinical psychologist Karen
McDowell, PhD (truly sorry, guys,
but I do need backup for this part),
tells me that the squad mentality
has warped our friendships in a
way that gives each person equal
status—but that instead of rolling
deep with a gang of “BFFs,” we’d
be better off focusing on just a few
deep connections.
That would sort of solve every
problem, if you think about it. When
I nervously brought this idea up to
a few people, I was surprised to
find out they were already there.
One friend of a friend admitted to
straight-up quitting her chats.
She didn’t stress about being left
out, and she still got the birthday
party and beach getaway invites
she actually wanted.
Another woman was playing a
sort of genius-sounding long game
that, TBH, might be worth sharing
with your chats before you leave
them (or mute them for a while):
“You don’t need to ‘end’ a friendship
like you would a romantic relation-
ship. You make friends, grow apart
from friends, and sometimes come
back together with old friends. No
need to overdramatize it.”
Hear that? That’s the sound of me
putting my phone on silent and
slowly...walking...away.
The
im
ag
e
s o f o u r fr
ie
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im
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m
se
lve
s.May 2020 Cosmopolitan 121
This pic brought to you
by lots of champagne.