Cosmopolitan US May2020

RED EYE

PI

NK DRINK

VE

NT

I PIKE WI

TH

W

HOLE MILK

CA

RAMEL

FR

APP

UCCI

NO

ICYMI, you’re

reading a throw-

back edition of

this section right

now. To mark

the Very Impor-

tant occasion,

I went ahead

and “scientifi-

cally” analyzed

your grown-up

fuel of choice to

determine your

childhood fuel

alter ego. The

stakes are high,

I know, but don’t

you want to do

life knowing if

you’re a freakin’

Bagel Bite?

BAGEL

BITES

You think you’re

better than everyone

else because you’re

both pizza and a

bagel. Frankly,

you’re not wrong.

So go sip your drink

and preach that you

don’t “need” sugar.

(I’ll be over here high-

key Liking all your

nonchalant Instas.)

HOT-FUDGE SUNDAE

POP-TARTS

You’re not like a regu-

lar Pop-Tart, you’re

the sweetest Pop-Tart

ever created. Probs

because you believed

in Santa until you were

15. You can take pride
    in knowing you’re
    the number one pick
    at the 7-Eleven check-
    out counter.

YOO-HOO

You slay Excel and

PowerPoint docs at

work like you’re all

jacked up on Choco-

late Drink, but it’s

actually just an aggres-

sive fear of failure

(and, okay, caffeine—

lots of caffeine). Will

you pls take a day off?

SKIPPY SQUEEZE

POUCH

Like a tube of PB

protein straight to the

mouth, you’re super

efficient at conquering

any challenge that

comes your way

without making shit

more complicated.

Sorry, jar and spoon.

HUBBA BUBBA

BUBBLE TAPE

You’re committed to

being the most envi-

able snacc in the

yard—and on the

’gram. Like, ordering

off the secret menu

during rush hour com-

mitted. Hold it up high

for that perfect light!

EASY MAC

Just like the snack

pretending to be a

whole-ass meal in

a teensy little cup,

you want it all! Ofc

you get that the Starbs

staff hates making

your favorite drink

every day at 8:15

a.m., but you’re never

gonna apologize for

requesting your right-

ful extra drizzle.

CHOCOLATE CHIP

CHEWY BAR

Remember: *You* are

the OG shareable

snack. You’re always

lifting others up

(ahem, Oatmeal Rai-

sin) at the cost of your

own happiness. We

salute your chunky-

chip agenda.

FROZEN

GO-GURT

Here’s the thing

about you (and also

the only Frapp flavor

that matters): You’re

consistently consis-

tent and good as hell.

When you’re around,

the world breathes a

sigh of relief.

LA

TTE WITH

BL

ACK ICED CHESTNUT CARAMEL

A

LM

OND MI

LK C

OFFEE

P

RA

LINE LAT

TE MA

CCHIAT

O

POLLY-O

TWISTS

You’re a little

basic—but you

pretend not to be,

which is why you

have le twist (duh).

You lie in wait,

ready to call out

your barista for

using regular milk

even though your

dairy intolerance

is a lie.

you

May 2020 Cosmopolitan 21