Real Communication An Introduction

Chapter 6  Listening 169

Tip

Hear the speaker out

Consider the speaker’s

motivations

Use nonverbal

communication

Provide calm feedback

Example

Don’t rush into an argument without knowing the

other person’s position. Wait for the speaker to

finish before constructing your own arguments.

Think of the speaker’s reasons for saying what is

being said. The person may be tired, ill, or frus-

trated. Don’t take it personally.

Take a deep breath and smile slightly (but sincerely)

at the speaker. Your disarming behavior may be

enough to force the speaker to speak more

reasonably.

After the speaker finishes, repeat what you think

was said and ask if you understood the message

correctly. Often a speaker on the offensive will back

away from an aggressive stance when confronted

with an attempt at understanding.

TABLE 6.2

STEPS TO AVOID

DEFENSIVE LISTENING

that you are the “preferred” child in the family and instead just focus on her ideas
for planning a happy upcoming holiday gathering.
But selective listening is also common in situations where you are feeling
defensive or insecure and can have negative implications. For example, if you
really hate working on a group project with your classmate Lara, you may only
pay attention to the disagreeable or negative things that she says. If she says, “I
can’t make it to the meeting on Thursday at eight,” you shut off, placing another
check in the “Lara is lazy” column of proof. However, you might miss the rest
of Lara’s message—perhaps she has a good reason for missing the meeting, or
maybe she’s suggesting that you reschedule.
Selective listening can also be unethical in evaluating impressions of people.
Imagine that you’re a manager at a small company. Four of your five employees
were in place when you took your job, but you were the one who hired Micah.
Since hiring well makes you look good as a manager, you might tend to focus
on Micah’s accomplishments and the positive feedback from others in the orga-
nization on Micah’s performance. That’s great for Micah, but you must be sure
to also listen to compliments about other employees, particularly when making
decisions about promotions.
A specific type of selective listening is insensitive listening, which occurs
when we listen only to the words someone says, failing to pay attention to the emo-
tional content. Your friend Adam calls to tell you that he got rejected from Duke
Law School. Adam had mentioned to you that his LSAT scores made Duke a long
shot, so you accept his message for what it appears to be: a factual statement about
a situation. But you fail to hear the disappointment in his voice—even if Duke was
a long shot, it was his top choice as well as a chance to be geographically closer to
his partner, who lives in North Carolina. Had you paid attention to Adam’s non-
verbal cues, you might have known that he needed some comforting words.
To improve your communication, particularly when you’re feeling appre-
hensive or defensive, you must take care to acknowledge your selective listening
and pay attention to both the verbal and nonverbal aspects of a message. You
must not close your ears to competing information just because it makes you
uncomfortable.