170 Part 1 Basic Communication ProcessesSelf-Absorbed Listening
Self-absorbed listeners hear only the information that they find useful for achiev-
ing their own specific goals. For example, your colleague Lucia may seem really
engaged in your discussion about some negative interactions you’ve had with
Ryan, your boyfriend. But if she’s only listening because she’s interested in Ryan
and wants to get a sense of your relationship’s vulnerability, then she’s listening
with her own self-interests in mind.
Self-absorbed listening can also be monopolistic listening, or listening to
control the communication interaction. We’re all guilty of this to some degree—
particularly when we’re engaged in conflict situations. Suppose your grades declined
last semester. Your father says, “I really think you need to focus more on school. I’m
not sure I want to shell out more money for tuition next semester if your grades get
worse.” You may not take his advice seriously if all you’re doing while he’s talking is
plotting a response that will persuade him to pay next semester’s tuition.
Self-absorbed listeners sometimes hurt others by the way they listen. Attack-
ing is a response to someone else’s message with negative evaluations (“That was
a stupid thing to say!”). Ambushing is more strategic. An ambusher listens spe-
cifically to find weaknesses in others—things they’re sensitive about—and pulls
those weaknesses out at strategic or embarrassing times. So if Mai cries to Scott
about failing her calculus final and Scott is later looking for a way to discredit
Mai, he might say something like, “I’m not sure you’re the right person to help
us draw up a budget, Mai. Math isn’t exactly your strong suit, is it?”Pseudolistening
When you become impatient or bored with someone’s communication messages,
you may engage in pseudolistening—pretending to listen by nodding or saying
“uh-huh” when you’re really not paying attention at all. While pseudolistening
may help you keep up a polite appearance of listening, one of its downsides is
that you can actually miss important information or offend your communica-
tion partner and damage the relationship when the pseudolistening is discov-
ered. Pseudolistening is a common trope in television sitcoms—when Homer
Simpson or Peter Griffin nod absently (daydreaming about food or some other
inappropriate topic) even though they haven’t listened to a word their commu-
nication partner has said, we find it funny and perhaps a little familiar. But in
real life, implying that we have listened when we have not can have disastrous
consequences: we miss instructions, neglect tasks that we have implied we would
complete, and fail to meet others’ needs.Listening in Context
Chances are, you’ve recognized bits of yourself or your friends scattered through-
out this chapter. We have all, at one time or another, felt defensive, nervous,
bored, or lazy and found that we were less effective listeners because of it. But
you probably don’t feel that way all the time. You might find yourself to be a
great listener in certain situations and weak in others. That’s because, as with
every other part of communication, our listening skills and abilities are affectedWHAT MIGHT Mr. Burns
be saying here? Homer Simp-
son doesn’t know because
he’s pseudolistening. Fox/
PhotofestDo you know any people
who engage in the unethical
behaviors described? Is it
frequent behavior or a
rare slip? How do these
tendencies affect your
interactions with those
people? Do you ever find
yourself engaging in such
behaviors?AND YOU?