Real Communication An Introduction

Mary Marquez is a U.S. Army wife. She’s strong; she has to be. For

a good part of the year, she manages her job, two teenage sons, the house and

its bills and maintenance, and her relationships, all while missing—and worry-

ing about—her husband, Justin. When Justin is home, Mary obviously wants to

spend time with him. But as soon as she’s feeling comfortable and connected,

he’s sent off to some other part of the world and she’s on her own again.

Mary and Justin are like many other families whose military-related separa-

tions put a strain on their communication and relationships. Justin and Mary often

don’t know when and where Justin will deploy; even when the deployment has been

scheduled, dates often fluctuate. This uncertainty puts a strain on every member

of the family as they struggle between the independence they must have during the

deployment and the connectedness they desire when they are all together (Merolla,

2010b). Some military spouses deal with it by not dealing with it at all—that is, by

engaging in arguments about other matters or by shutting down communication

completely. But Mary and Justin work on their communication. They hide notes for

one another around the house while he is home. When he is away, they plan times

when they can connect online, and during those conversations they try to focus on

“normal,” routine things like talking about their days or discussing a book they are

both reading. Mary said these behaviors “made it feel more routine and made it feel

like he wasn’t so far away” (Sahlstein, Maguire, & Timmerman, 2009, p. 431).

The distance and time zone differences can make connecting in real time diffi-

cult, though; when family members miss a connection, it can lead to hard feelings and

misunderstandings. For example, one of Mary’s friends described how disgruntled her

husband became when she and the kids weren’t at home waiting for his call.

chapter

Developing and

Maintaining

Relationships

7

Types of

Interpersonal

Relationships

Why We Form

Relationships

Managing

Relationship

Dynamics

Self-Disclosure and

Interpersonal

Relationships

Stages of a

Relationship

IN THIS CHAPTER

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