Chapter 7 Developing and Maintaining Relationships 189Why We Form Relationships
We’ve already established that romantic relationships are a universal desire,
and additional research shows that individuals across cultures value a variety of
relationships similarly (Endo, Heine, & Lehman, 2000; Landsford, Antonucci,
Akiyama, & Takahashi, 2005). The reasons for forming specific relationships,
however, are as individual and complex as each of us and rooted in unique needs
and motivations, which may develop and change over time. In this section, we
examine the factors of relationship formation, including proximity, attractive
qualities, similarity, and personal and social needs.
Proximity
As practical as it sounds, one of the first criteria of relationship formation is
simple proximity, or nearness. Think about how many of your friends you got
❶ Think about the nature
of the friendships you had
as a twelve- or thirteen-
year-old. Do you have the
same sorts of relationships
with your best friends
now? Do you think that
your most intimate rela-
tionships are affected by
your gender?
❷ Does it bother you that
having close friendships is
often deemed “feminine”
behavior? What does
friendship have to do with
gender and sexuality?
➌ What benefits of close
intimate relationships are
American boys missing? In
what ways might learning
to be more independent
and stoic benefit American
girls?Boys Need Best Friends, Too
Among adolescent girls, the formation of close, intimate friendships is almost
expected. Teenaged girls giggle through the night at slumber parties, whisper
secrets during school, and text each other frequently; they make each other
friendship bracelets and wear matching clothes that declare their relation-
ships for all the world to see. But what about the boys?
Research indicates that young boys seek the same kinds of intimate
relationships that girls do: they want to share deep secrets with their closest
male friends and know that they can trust in and count on them. But
according to psychologist Niobe Way, boys’ relationships are less public—and
certainly less celebrated in society—than girls’ friendships, primarily because
of cultural ideas about what constitutes “masculine” behavior. Way points
out that male friendships are often stifled as boys become men, and pres-
sure to conform to gender stereotypes pressures them to adopt the mantle
of American maleness: they must be stoic and independent, aggressive and
competitive (Way, 2011). “During late adolescence,” Way says, “boys begin
to lose their closest male friendships, become more distrustful of their male
peers, and in some cases, become less willing to be emotionally expressive.
They start sounding, in other words, like gender stereotypes” (Way, 2011).
This pattern is not limited to American males—similar patterns can be found
in Chinese boys’ relationships (Le, 2011).
Given the importance of friendship to our overall well-being, this gender
disparity should be a grave concern. “Many of the boys in our studies spoke
about feelings of loneliness and isolation during late adolescence and how
they missed their formerly close male friendships,” Way explains. “We heard
these patterns of loss and distrust right at the moment in development that the
rate of suicide among boys in the United States jumps to become four times the
rate of girls” (Way, 2011).THINK
ABOUT
THISCOMMUNICATIONACROSSCULTURES