Chapter 7 Developing and Maintaining Relationships 191personality traits, backgrounds, appearances, or values (Gonzaga, Campos, &
Bradbury, 2007). For example, consider close friends Liza and Cheryl. Liza is
an African American student from Denver, a literature major, and a tomboy
who loves the Broncos. Cheryl is a white student from Boston, majoring in
engineering; she hates sports but follows fashion and rarely steps out of her
dorm room without makeup. To an outsider, they seem like a mismatched pair.
But ask either of them what they have in common, and they’ll roll off a list of
similarities: both grew up in urban neighborhoods, attended all-girl Catholic
high schools, love indie rock, and take great pride in their ability to quote
J. R. R. Tolkien. So long as the relational partners feel that they have much in
common, as Liza and Cheryl do, they feel similar and attracted to one another.
Similarity can be closely connected to our perceptions of a person’s attractive
qualities. We are often attracted to those we think are about as physically attrac-
tive as we are. We also tend to think that when we find someone attractive, we
must also have similar other qualities. Sometimes two individuals who hail from
the same ethnic group (and thus are more genetically similar) tend to help, favor,
and form relationships with people from their own ethnic groups (Rushton,
1980). However, more societal acceptance of diverse friendships and romantic
relationships is contributing to more pervasive intercultural relationships (Balaji
& Worawongs, 2010; McClintock, 2010). And, as people from various cultures
interact more and more, they have opportunities to practice relational skills
(like self-disclosure and empathic listening) and see many types of similarities in
each other (Jin & Oh, 2010).
Personal and Social Needs
In U.S. prisons today, more than twenty-five thousand inmates are serving
their time in solitary confinement—removed from the general prison popula-
tion, isolated in small cells with little human contact (Casella & Ridgeway,
2012). Some activists worry about the harshness of the measure. They hold
that human beings form and maintain relationships in order to satisfy basic
personal and social needs—companionship, stimulation, meeting goals—and
it is cruel to deny those needs (Ramirez, Sunnafrank, & Goei, 2010). Pro-
ponents argue that it is this very denial of these needs that makes such
punishment effective. In any case, these personal and social needs are key
factors for all of us in the relationships we form with others.
Companionship
Humans feel a natural need for companionship and inclusion—to involve
others in our lives and to be involved in the lives of others. Thus loneliness can be
a major motivation behind some people’s desire for a relationship. In fact, psycho-
logical problems such as anxiety, stress, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, and
poor health have all been tied to loneliness (Canary & Spitzberg, 1993; Segrin &
Passalacqua, 2010). Unfortunately, beginning a romantic relationship just for the
sake of not being “alone” or confirming a ton of “friends” on Facebook does not
mean that you won’t be lonely. Finding a meaningful connection and creating an
emotional tie with someone, such as by helping a fellow student understand his
notes or providing water for a Race for the Cure participant, are ways of overcom-
ing loneliness that lead to high-quality relationships (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010).
SENATOR JOHN
MCCAIN cites communica-
tion with fellow prisoners of
war, even if fleeting, as one of
the factors that helped him to
survive solitary confinement in
Vietnam. © Bettmann/Corbis