Chapter 7 Developing and Maintaining Relationships 193maintaining healthy relationships. Thankfully, communication scholars explore
the way we manage relationships in a far more scientific way. In this section, we
rely on that scholarship to explore the dynamics of relationships as they con-
stantly change, grow, and evolve throughout our lives, specifically looking at costs
and rewards, reducing uncertainty, and dialectical tensions (Knapp & Vangelisti,
2008; Solomon & Vangelisti, 2010).
Costs and Rewards
Every relationship has advantages and disadvantages for the parties involved.
Your close friendship with Arturo may offer companionship and intimacy, but
you may also need to accept his negative feelings about your religious beliefs and
invest time in working through difficult situations together. Social exchange
theory explains this process of balancing the advantages and disadvantages of a
relationship (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). Relationships begin, grow, and deterio-
rate based on an exchange of rewards and costs.
Rewards are the elements of a relationship that you feel good about—things
about the person or your relationship that benefit you in some way. There are
extrinsic rewards, the external advantages you gain from association with another
person (such as social status or professional connections); instrumental rewards,
the resources and favors that partners give to one another (for example, living
together to save money); and intrinsic rewards, the personally satisfying rewards
that result from an exchange of intimacy (for instance, intellectual stimulation
or feelings of safety). Costs, by contrast, are the things that upset or annoy you,
cause you stress, or damage your own self-image or lifestyle. If you find your rela-
tionship too costly (for example, there is a lot of conflict, jealousy, or infidelity),
you may decide to end the relationship (Dainton & Gross, 2008; Guerrero, La
Valley, & Farinelli, 2008).
The social exchange of costs and benefits is inherently complicated. You
might wonder, for example, why good-natured Watson sticks out a partner-
ship and friendship with acerbic and belittling Sherlock (in any of the recent
THE HIT SERIES
Sherlock depicts Watson as
an ex-military doctor who
finds purpose and excite-
ment in accompanying the
famous detective on his vari-
ous investigative adventures.
Elementary surprises with a
female Watson, a sober com-
panion of ex-addict Holmes
who later becomes the
sleuth’s assistant. (left) © BBC/
Courtesy Everett Collection; (right) CBS/
PhotofestMost of us don’t ponder
the costs and rewards of
our relationships on a daily
basis. But when we feel
that a relationship involves
too many costs, conflict
often ensues. As you learn
in Chapter 8, we like to feel
that we are both giving and
receiving in a relationship.
So if your roommate
Tamara is always leaving
her chores for you, you
might need to engage in
conflict management to
balance the relationship.Most of us don’tponderCONNECT