196 Part 2 Interpersonal CommunicationActive Strategies
Active strategies let you obtain information about a person more directly by
seeking information from a third party. For example, Shawna may discover
(via Facebook) that she and Ramona have one friend in common. In that
case, Shawna might contact this individual to see how much she knows about
Ramona. Does she party a lot? Is she neat or messy? Does she snore?
Active strategies can be particularly useful when the information you are seek-
ing could be awkward for a new relationship. For example, Shawna might wonder
if Ramona would be uncomfortable having significant others spend the night in
their dorm room. Thus, she might chat with the mutual friend to get a sense of
Ramona’s feelings in order to be prepared to discuss it when they arrive on campus.Interactive Strategies
Sometimes you will need to find out important information about a relational
partner through interactive strategies, that is, by speaking directly with that per-
son rather than observing or asking others for information. When “meeting” for
the first time (be it in person or virtually), Shawna might ask Ramona what kind
of music she likes, what major she is pursuing, and why she chose this particu-
lar school. Although direct questioning reduces some uncertainty, it also entails
risks. If you ask questions that are perceived as too forward or inappropriate (for
example, “What are your political beliefs?”), you might push the person away.Dialectical Tensions
Weighing costs against benefits and reducing uncertainty are not the only chal-
lenges we face in developing relationships. In any relationship, it is common
to experience contradictions or opposing feelings about your relational partner
and about the relationship itself. When a love relationship becomes serious, for
example, one or both partners might find themselves mourning their old, single
lifestyle, despite the benefits of commitment.
Relational dialectics theory holds that dialectical tensions are contra-
dictory feelings that tug at us in every relationship, whether a newly formed
friendship or a committed romantic partnership. These tensions can be exter-
nal (between the partners and the people with whom they interact) or internal
(within their relationship). Of the many possible types, we focus on three inter-
nal tensions that dominate research: autonomy versus connection, openness versus
closedness, and predictability versus novelty (Baxter & Simon, 1993). Note that
dialectics exist along a continuum; they are not all-or-nothing trade-offs but
rather ranges of options that need to be continually negotiated and adjusted
(Baxter, Braithwaite, Bryant, & Wagner, 2004). These tensions are natural and
normal—experiencing them does not indicate that your relationship is in trouble!Autonomy Versus Connection
Identical twins Eva and Amelia have always done everything together—from
their first breaths of air right on through their college educations. As they grew
older, loosening these bonds was a real struggle. Eva remembers bursting into
tears at her bridal shower and explaining, “It’s just that I’ve never had a party all
to myself before” (see Hazel, Wongprasert, & Ayres, 2006).Consider your relationship
with your oldest friend or
with a close family member.
Evaluate the ways in which
dialectical tensions have
manifested themselves in
that relationship over the
years. Have these tensions
shifted over time? Is there
one particular tension that
continues to crop up?AND YOU?