Chapter 7 Developing and Maintaining Relationships 197In all close personal relationships—family con-
nections, romantic relationships, and friendships—
there is a tension between independence (autonomy)
and dependence (connection). In other words, we
struggle because we want to be our own person while
at the same time be fully connected to the other per-
son. This tension can result in hurt feelings. Attempts
to express autonomy can be easily misunderstood—
children’s attempts to express their own identities are
often seen as acts of rebellion, whereas romantic part-
ners risk alienating their loved ones when they pursue
certain interests alone. On the other hand, we can be
seen as nagging when we try to force connectedness
on our relational partners: if we drag our partners off to yoga class or a sporting
event in which they have no interest, we’re more likely to alienate them than to
bring them closer.
So how might you bridge the gap between autonomy and connectedness?
One strategy is to alternate time together and time apart. You might go to yoga
with your sister who enjoys it while your romantic partner enjoys a solo evening
at home. On Saturdays, however, you and your significant other might try out
different local kayaking spots—a shared passion that you engage in together. Or
you might manage the tension with the physical space in your home—deciding
the décor for the living room together but displaying your comic book memora-
bilia in your own office hideout.
Openness Versus Closedness
Every superhero from Batman to Superman to The Question knows about this
tension. To become close, individuals must share information with their relational
partners. However, by disclosing information, they reveal a part of their private
selves that then becomes vulnerable. The tension comes as partners strive to find a
balance between sharing information (openness) and desiring to keep some things
private (closedness). This can be seen in superhero comics and movies when a
character like Bruce Wayne wants to maintain close relationships with various
love interests but cannot tell any of them about his secret life as Batman. The ten-
sion between Batman’s duty to Gotham City and duty to his loved ones takes a
toll on those relationships.
Without the excuses of double lives, most people need to disclose some
private information to those with whom they have relationships in order to
facilitate a perception of involvement and deep understanding. Even when we
take into account cultural differences (see Chapter 5), relational intimacy is con-
sistently advanced by self-disclosure (as we develop more fully later) (Chen &
Nakazawa, 2009). But it is not always a good idea to reveal your every thought
to your partner. Contrary to the notion that there should be “no secrets between
us,” relational dialectics researchers argue that much information might be bet-
ter left unsaid. The comparison you make in your mind between your current
romantic partner and an attractive celebrity is a good example.
Some couples will alternate over time between one or the other ends of the
spectrum, such as lots of openness during one phase of their relationship and
THREE’S A CROWD
(sometimes). Perhaps no
familial relationship plays out
the delicate balance between
autonomy and connection
as clearly as that of
multiple-birth siblings. Patti
McConville/Getty Images