Real Communication An Introduction

Chapter 7  Developing and Maintaining Relationships 205

Strategy

Remember what made you

interested in the relationship

in the first place

Spend quality time

together

Share tasks and humor

Be understanding

Express affection

Have realistic expectations

Work on intimacy

Examples

• Share inside jokes


• Visit favorite places (a coffeehouse where
  you used to meet)


• Share your day-to-day activities


• Explore new hobbies and interests


• Plan finances and do chores together


• Have inside jokes and laugh together


• Empathize with your partner’s concerns, dreams,
  fears, and so on


• Try to see conflict-causing situations from your
  partner’s point of view


• Proclaim how important your partner is (“You’re a
  great friend” or “I love you”)


• Do something nice or unexpected for your
  partner without being asked


• Don’t compare your relationships to others


• Accept your partner’s strengths and weaknesses


• Offer supportive, positive messages, particularly
  during stressful times


• Reveal your commitment by showing and
  sharing that you are invested in the relationship
  (self-disclosure, make future plans together)

TABLE 7.2

STRATEGIES FOR

MANAGING STABLE

RELATIONSHIPS

Source: Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi (2013).

Uncertainty Events

Events or behavioral patterns that cause uncertainty in a relationship are called
uncertainty events. They may be caused by competing relationships (romantic
or platonic), deception or betrayal of confidence, fluctuations in closeness, and
sudden or unexplained changes in sexual behavior, personality, or values (Planalp
& Honeycutt, 1985). One or both partners are left wondering about the cause of
the events and their significance for the relationship. If your romantic partner sud-
denly starts withholding information from you or a close friend begins engaging
in activities that you find offensive, you will experience uncertainty. Uncertainty
events may be sudden and very noticeable (betrayal of confidence, for example),
or they may be subtle and escape immediate attention (your sister gradually stops
returning your phone calls).

Interference

When Patrick becomes involved in a serious romantic relationship, his best friend
Dennis feels abandoned. Jason wants to get married, but Nora is not ready.
Emma and Leigh find that financial troubles are straining their relationship.
These are just some of the many obstacles that may pop up in a relation-
ship and interfere with its growth. Timing, the family or friends of one or both
partners, and problems with work or money can all contribute to the decline of a
relationship. Arguing over finances is a frequent reason for couples seeking ther-
apy (Atwood, 2012), and study of one thousand spouses found that 84 percent