Chapter 7 Developing and Maintaining Relationships 207Repair Stage
A relationship in decline is not necessarily doomed to failure: partners may
attempt to save or repair their relationship by changing their behavior, interac-
tions, or expectations. If you have a strong commitment to someone else, par-
ticularly in a romantic relationship, you often perceive problems as less severe,
so you are more likely to reduce conflict and potentially repair the relationship
(Miczo, 2008). Repair tactics should include improving communication, focus-
ing on the positive aspects of each partner and of the relationship itself, reinter-
preting behaviors with a more balanced view, reevaluating the alternatives to the
relationship, and enlisting the support of others to hold the relationship together
(Brandau-Brown & Ragsdale, 2008; Duck, 1984).
In short, partners hoping to repair a relationship must focus on the benefits
of their relationship rather than the source of a particular argument (see Table 7.2
on p. 205); many tips for managing stable relationships also apply to repair-
ing them. Relational partners should listen to each other, take each other’s
perspective, and remind themselves about the attractive qualities that sparked the
relationship in the first place (for example, how Talia can make Greg laugh and
how Greg can make Talia feel at ease with her emotions). Partners may also try
to increase their intimacy by offering more self-disclosures and spending qual-
ity time together (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). If a relationship is in serious
decline, however, and seems beyond repair, the partners may need to seek profes-
sional help or outside support.
Termination Stage
Try as they might, not all relational partners stay together (hence the existence
of sad songs and bad poetry). The termination stage, or end of a relationship,
usually comes about in one of two ways (Davis, 1973). The first is passing away,
which is characterized by a gradual fade as the relationship loses its vitality,
perhaps because of outside interference or because partners don’t make the effort
to maintain it. Also, if partners spend less time together as a couple, communi-
cation and intimacy may decline, leading to dissatisfaction and a perception of
different attitudes. This is why romances and friendships sometimes deteriorate
when one partner moves away or why marriages and outside friendships change
when kids come into the picture. The second way relationships often end is in
sudden death—the abrupt, and for at least one partner, unexpected termination
of a relationship. This might happen if your spouse or romantic partner has an
affair, or if you decide that you can no longer tolerate a friend’s emotionally
manipulative behavior. Communicating your desire to end a relationship can be
difficult; some messages useful for terminating romantic relationships in particu-
lar are listed in Table 7.3.
Reconciliation
Is there any hope for a terminated relationship? Soap operas and sitcoms say so—
but it’s true in real life as well. Reconciliation is a repair strategy for rekindling
an extinguished relationship. Attempting reconciliation entails a lot of risk—one
partner might find that the other partner is not interested, or both partners