Real Communication An Introduction

might find that the problems that pushed them apart remain or have intensified.

But research reveals that there are a few tactics that can help the partners mend

the relationship (O’Hair & Krayer, 1987; Patterson & O’Hair, 1992):

c Spontaneous development: The partners wind up spending more time

together. Perhaps a divorced couple is involved in their son’s school or two

ex-friends find themselves helping a mutual friend.

c Third-party mediation: The partners have a friend or family member mediate

the reconciliation.

c High affect: The partners resolve to be nice and polite to one another and

possibly remind each other of what they found attractive about the other in

the first place.

c Tacit persistence: One or both partners refuse to give up on the relationship.

c Mutual interaction: The partners begin talking more often following the dis-

solution, perhaps remaining friends after their breakup.

c Avoidance: The partners avoid spending time together and begin to miss

each other.

If you think about couples in popular culture who have broken up and gotten

back together—Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory, for instance—you

can clearly see some of these strategies at work.

208 Part 2  Interpersonal Communication

Strategy

Positive-tone

messages

Deescalation

Withdrawal or

avoidance

Justification

Negative identity

management

Tactics

Fairness

Compromise

Fatalism

Promise of friendship

Implied possible reconciliation

Blaming the relationship

Appeal to independence

Avoid contact with the

person as much as possible

Emphasize positive conse-

quences of disengaging

Emphasize negative conse-

quences of not disengaging

Emphasize enjoyment of life

Nonnegotiation

Examples

“It’s not right to go on pretending I’m in love with you.”

“We can still see each other occasionally.”

“We both know this relationship won’t work out anyway.”

“We can still be friends.”

“Perhaps time apart will rekindle our feelings for each other.”

“We have to work too hard on this relationship.”

“We don’t need to be tied down right now.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to see you this weekend.”

“We should see other people since we’ve changed so

much.”

“We’ll miss too many opportunities if we don’t see other

people.”

“Life is too short to spend with just one person right now.”

“I need to see other people—period!”

TABLE 7.3

TERMINATION STRATEGIES FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

Source: Canary, Cody, & Manusov (2008), pp. 278–286. Adapted with permission.

Have you ever been able to

restore a relationship that

you thought was irreparably

damaged? Have you ever

ended a relationship but

secretly believed that you

would repair it at some point

in the future?

AND YOU?