Real Communication An Introduction

214

ealing with conflict—be it with a romantic partner, a family member,

a colleague, a classmate, or an institution—can be hard. Some avoid it

altogether, whereas others lash out aggressively, in person or via social media. But

there is also a middle ground that falls between covering our ears and posting

aggressive comments in a public forum. There are also lots of ways in which we

may not only manage conflict but also grow and learn from it. In this chapter,

we’ll take a look at some of the root causes of conflict and examine the ways in

which we engage in conflict with others. We’ll then consider productive ways in

which to manage conflict and reconcile our relationships.

Understanding Conflict

You’ve undoubtedly had countless conflicts in your life. But just what is conflict,

anyway? Conflict is not simply an argument or a struggle: it’s an interaction

between two or more interdependent people who perceive that they have contra-

dictory goals or scarce resources. In other words, there is conflict when I believe

that if you get what you want, I cannot have what I want.

Scholars like to distinguish between conflict—which is inevitable and

sometimes cannot be resolved—and conflict management, which refers to the

way that we engage in conflict and address disagreements with our relational

partners. For example, consider Lisa and Steven Bradley, a couple who seemed to

have it all: a beautiful home, four expensive cars, designer clothes, dinner out (or

ordered in) every night. But they had a secret: Lisa spent lavishly without con-

sulting Steven, and Steven stewed about it without ever confronting Lisa. Like

countless Americans today, even the relatively well-off Bradleys were spending

more than they earned, essentially living on credit. Though they rarely fought

about it, Lisa and Steven were struggling to keep up with their bills and were on

the brink of divorce (Greenhouse, 2006; Oprah.com, 2008).

For Lisa and Steven, the conflict was rooted in differing ideas about money,

credit, and financial priorities. And they chose to manage their conflict by avoid-

ing discussion and confrontation, which in this case wasn’t particularly help-

ful. As the Bradleys eventually discovered—and as you’ll see throughout this

chapter—conflict can be managed either unproductively or productively. Let’s

examine these two approaches to conflict and consider the costs and benefits of

each one.

Unproductive Conflict

If you haven’t already guessed, Lisa and Steven’s approach to managing their

conflict over money was an unproductive one. Unproductive conflict is conflict

that is managed poorly and has a negative impact on the individuals and rela-

tionships involved.

In many respects, our relationships—including those with families, friends,

colleagues, and romantic partners—are defined by how we manage conflict.

But the damage of unproductive conflict isn’t always limited to relation-

ships. Researchers have discovered that when conflict is handled poorly, those

involved can experience a poorer sense of well-being at work (Sonnentag, Unger,

After you have finished

reading this chapter,

you will be able to

Describe the factors

that lead to productive

conflict

Identify conflict triggers

in yourself and others

Explain the forces that

influence how people

handle conflict

Evaluate and employ

strategies for managing

conflict in different

situations

Recognize your ability

to repair and let go of

painful conflict

214

D

chapter

outcomes