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ealing with conflict—be it with a romantic partner, a family member,
a colleague, a classmate, or an institution—can be hard. Some avoid it
altogether, whereas others lash out aggressively, in person or via social media. But
there is also a middle ground that falls between covering our ears and posting
aggressive comments in a public forum. There are also lots of ways in which we
may not only manage conflict but also grow and learn from it. In this chapter,
we’ll take a look at some of the root causes of conflict and examine the ways in
which we engage in conflict with others. We’ll then consider productive ways in
which to manage conflict and reconcile our relationships.
Understanding Conflict
You’ve undoubtedly had countless conflicts in your life. But just what is conflict,
anyway? Conflict is not simply an argument or a struggle: it’s an interaction
between two or more interdependent people who perceive that they have contra-
dictory goals or scarce resources. In other words, there is conflict when I believe
that if you get what you want, I cannot have what I want.
Scholars like to distinguish between conflict—which is inevitable and
sometimes cannot be resolved—and conflict management, which refers to the
way that we engage in conflict and address disagreements with our relational
partners. For example, consider Lisa and Steven Bradley, a couple who seemed to
have it all: a beautiful home, four expensive cars, designer clothes, dinner out (or
ordered in) every night. But they had a secret: Lisa spent lavishly without con-
sulting Steven, and Steven stewed about it without ever confronting Lisa. Like
countless Americans today, even the relatively well-off Bradleys were spending
more than they earned, essentially living on credit. Though they rarely fought
about it, Lisa and Steven were struggling to keep up with their bills and were on
the brink of divorce (Greenhouse, 2006; Oprah.com, 2008).
For Lisa and Steven, the conflict was rooted in differing ideas about money,
credit, and financial priorities. And they chose to manage their conflict by avoid-
ing discussion and confrontation, which in this case wasn’t particularly help-
ful. As the Bradleys eventually discovered—and as you’ll see throughout this
chapter—conflict can be managed either unproductively or productively. Let’s
examine these two approaches to conflict and consider the costs and benefits of
each one.
Unproductive Conflict
If you haven’t already guessed, Lisa and Steven’s approach to managing their
conflict over money was an unproductive one. Unproductive conflict is conflict
that is managed poorly and has a negative impact on the individuals and rela-
tionships involved.
In many respects, our relationships—including those with families, friends,
colleagues, and romantic partners—are defined by how we manage conflict.
But the damage of unproductive conflict isn’t always limited to relation-
ships. Researchers have discovered that when conflict is handled poorly, those
involved can experience a poorer sense of well-being at work (Sonnentag, Unger,
After you have finished
reading this chapter,
you will be able to
Describe the factors
that lead to productive
conflict
Identify conflict triggers
in yourself and others
Explain the forces that
influence how people
handle conflict
Evaluate and employ
strategies for managing
conflict in different
situations
Recognize your ability
to repair and let go of
painful conflict
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D
chapter
outcomes