Chapter 8 Managing Conflict in Relationships 217Conflict Triggers
c “He was drinking from the milk carton again. I caught him. It’s so disgust-
ing—I have to use that milk, too, you know!”
c “Is there any point to trying to make plans with Lynette? She’s always saying
she’s too busy to get together.”
c “I swear, my boss thinks I have no life outside of this organization. Why is
he e-mailing me and texting me about my projects on weekends?”Do any of these scenarios seem familiar? Everyone has a trigger that drives them
absolutely mad when it happens, and conflict often ensues. The fact is that con-
flicts arise for a number of reasons. People often have conflicting goals, beliefs,
or ideas; we face competition for scarce resources, such as money or time. We
experience misunderstandings, and unfortunately, we lose our tempers. And
sometimes we encounter people who are deceitful or uncooperative or who
intentionally undermine our efforts to achieve our goals. In the following sec-
tions, we’ll examine a few common conflict triggers.
Inaccurate Perceptions
Misunderstandings are a common—and regrettable—cause of conflict. For
example, in the movie The Break Up, partners Brooke and Gary fight over the
give-and-take in their relationship. Brooke is frustrated that she frequently
accompanies Gary to baseball games (which she does not particularly enjoy), but
Gary never takes her to the ballet. Although it may seem that Gary is selfish and
uninterested in Brooke’s desires, Brooke does have a role in this conflict. Gary
points out that Brooke never told him she dislikes baseball—he thought they
were mutually enjoying the games—and she never shared her desire to attend a
ballet. Had they communicated openly, they could have avoided these percep-
tual errors altogether and potentially saved their relationship.
Incompatible Goals
Since much communication is goal driven, conflicts are bound to arise when
goals are perceived as incompatible (Canary, 2003). On Grey’s Anatomy, for
example, the stable relationship between Callie and Arizona has had a number
of challenges. Early on there was the perceived incompatible goal about children:
Callie wanted to settle down and start a family, but
Arizona was certain that she never wanted to have
children. When couples differ on such serious life
decisions, it can be extremely difficult to resolve
conflict. But even among relational partners
who are in agreement on big life decisions,
other goals are likely to come into conflict.
For example, couples that are committed to
having a family have conflicts about the
timing, number, and rearing of children.
CONNECT
The best way to account for
unusual behavior may be
to ask if your perceptions
are accurate. In Chapter 7,
we discuss interactive
strategies that help you to
reduce uncertainty and get
information directly from
a person. You might tell a
friend, “I sense that you’re
angry with me because you
haven’t talked to me today.
Am I right?” Such questions
allow your friend to clarify
perceptions and may elimi-
nate unnecessary conflict.THOUGH CALLIE AND
ARIZONA fall on different
sides of the kids or no kids
debate, is there a way they
might negotiate their
opposing goals? ABC/Photofest