218 Part 2 Interpersonal CommunicationUnbalanced Costs and Rewards
Your roommate is annoyed that you keep eating her food; you are annoyed that
she doesn’t clean the bathroom. Conflict often arises when we are struggling to
get a share of some limited resource, such as money, time, or attention. Recall
from Chapter 7 that many researchers argue that we treat our interpersonal rela-
tionships almost like financial exchanges; we tally up our rewards (what we’re
getting from a relationship) and compare these to our costs (what we’re putting
into the relationship). If we think our costs are outweighing the rewards, then
conflict may likely be triggered. For Callie of Grey’s Anatomy, Arizona’s refusal
of intimacy after her leg amputation and Callie’s increased responsibility for
household management are costs of this relationship that lead to much tension
and many conflicts.Provocation
Of course, not every conflict arises out of natural differences between indi-
viduals’ goals or perceptions. The hard truth is that people can be uncaring
or even aggressive at times. Although conflict is indeed a natural part of every
relationship, a great many conflicts arise through provocation—the inten-
tional instigation of conflict. A wide range of events can spark intense
negative emotions in a relationship (Canary, 2003):c Aggression. Aggressive behaviors range from verbal intimidation
to physical threats. Fear and defensiveness (along with even more
aggression) are common responses to such behavior.
c Identity threats. When someone insults you personally,
it can threaten your identity. Threats to identity manage-
ment range from mild insults (“Man, you have a dirty
car”) to condescending remarks (“I’ll go slowly so you
can keep up”) to attacks on one’s values or religion and
racial or ethnic slurs.
c Lack of fairness. When someone uses more than his
or her fair share of resources—in families, workplaces,
or living situations, for example—it commonly stirs up
negative reactions.
c Incompetence. When someone you work with or depend on
performs poorly, the person is in a sense provoking conflict.
Feelings of anger and resentment occur when a lab partner
fails to bring needed supplies or write his or her share of the
lab report.
c Relationship threats. When a relationship comes under threat,
conflict is likely to arise. If your romantic partner reveals things
that suggest he or she has other interests, you feel jealousy, anger,
or insecurity. Similarly, a young child may see a new baby sibling as
a threat to his relationship with his parents, or you might see a new,
talented coworker as a threat to your connection with your boss.ALEC BALDWIN’S quick
temper and aggressive
behavior have gotten him into
scrapes on numerous
occasions. Europa Press/Europa
Press via Getty Images
What kinds of behaviors
provoke you the most?
Are there times when you
provoke conflict with others,
perhaps even on purpose?AND YOU?