Real Communication An Introduction

224 Part 2  Interpersonal Communication

Differences between men and women reflect one important way that our co-

cultures affect how we deal with conflict. Recall from Chapter 5 that co-cultures

are the groups we belong to with distinct characteristics or attitudes that unify us

and distinguish us from the larger general culture. These distinctions often play

out in conflict situations. In a classic study of marital conflict, for example, Gott-

man (1994) found that women tend to criticize and attack their partner’s character

more than men and that men tend to “stonewall” (refuse to engage) more than

women. More recent research also suggests that sex and gender influence satisfac-

tion level with regard to certain conflict management strategies. Afifi, McManus,

Steuber, and Coho (2009) found that when women perceived that their dating

partner was engaging in conflict avoidance, their satisfaction level decreased, but

avoidance did not cause the same dissatisfaction in men.

Age is another co-cultural difference that affects conflict. When faced with

a potential argument, younger (under forty) and middle-aged (forty to fifty-

nine) adults are more likely to openly argue, whereas older adults (over sixty)

prefer to use passive strategies, such as “letting it go” or waiting for the situ-

ation to change on its own (Blanchard-Fields, Mienaltowski, & Seay, 2007).

These avoidance strategies appear to be beneficial, as older adults experience less

negative emotion than their younger counterparts when they deal with social

tensions passively (Birditt, 2013). Researchers argue that older people may have

learned from experience to recognize when an argument is “just not worth it”

and that they may be choosing the strategies that help them manage their own

emotional well-being (Charles, Piazza, Luong, & Almeida, 2009). For younger

and middle-aged adults, however, conflict situations may more often require

direct confrontation (for example, at work or in battles with parents), so passive

strategies may be ineffective for them at achieving their goals. These confronta-

tions can take a toll: by middle age, the increase in conflict and interpersonal

stress appears to have an especially negative impact on people’s well-being (Dar-

bonne, Uchino, & Ong, 2013).

When we think of conflict and culture or co-culture, it is important to

remember not to assume that all members of a culture or group reflect the

extreme differences. It is also dangerous to assume that differences in culture

mean irreconcilable differences in conflict. Competent communication in con-

flict means understanding and respecting differences while working to “expand

the pie” for both parties. Even in the most uncomfortable and frustrating con-

flict situations, we can learn a great deal about others and ourselves through

culture.

Communication Channel

In many communication situations, we don’t think much about which available

channel we should choose. Not so when it comes to conflict. If you’ve ever sent

flowers as a way of apologizing, left a voice mail on a weekend to let an instruc-

tor or colleague know you’ve missed a deadline, or delivered bad news via a text

message, chances are you chose that channel as a way of avoiding engaging in

conflict face to face. But conflict and communication channels are often inter-

twined: conflict can arise from poor channel choices, as we perceive things dif-

ferently depending on the channel used (see Chapter 2). Even more interesting

CONNECT

A lack of nonverbal
communication can pose
problems when handling
conflict via mediated
channels (Chapter 4). If
you text an apology to
your friend, he can’t see
your facial expressions to
appreciate how sorry you
are. Emoticons do help
display feelings ( !), but
competent communicators
must consider if nonverbal
communication is the best
channel for a particular
message. When dealing
with conflict, it might be
better to speak face to
face or over the phone so
that nonverbal behaviors
such as tone of voice can
be decoded.

Do you see yourself as more

of a feminine or masculine

individual? In what ways

have gender differences

influenced the conflicts

you’ve experienced with

people whose gender is

different from yours?

AND YOU?