Chapter 8 Managing Conflict in Relationships 227initially even led law enforcement to consider stalking charges
against the twelve- and fourteen-year-old “bullies” (Liston,
2013).
In some cases, cyberbullies—so empowered by their
anonymity—entirely disregard expectations surrounding
particular situational contexts. After seventeen-year-old Alexis
Pilkington took her own life, her friends and family set up
a Facebook memorial page to remember Alexis and to share
their mutual grief. Sadly, alongside messages honoring this
young woman’s life were lewd, hateful, and inappropriate
messages indicating that Alexis “got what she deserved.” A
family friend summarized the bullies’ attempt to create con-
troversy and conflict in such an inappropriate time and space:
“Children want to mourn their friend, and there are posts of
photos with nooses around her neck. It’s disgusting and heart-
less” (Martinez, 2010, para. 6).
Conflict Styles
Let’s consider a common, very simplistic scenario: you are sitting with your
sister at the dinner table after a family meal. There’s one last piece of Aunt
Corinne’s homemade chocolate peanut butter pie, and you and your sister
both want it. Do you give up easily and just let her have it? Yell at her until she
gives up (or until Dad takes it for himself )? Or suggest that you split the pie
and each take half? We each have different conflict styles, or sets of goals and
strategies that we use to manage conflict (Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi, 2013;
Rahim, 1983). Some of us may feel most comfortable with one primary style
that we employ in multiple situations, but often it works better when we are
able to change our styles to fit the particular situation and parties involved.
In certain types of conflict, such as a competition for a piece of pie, the peo-
ple involved can resolve the conflict—that is, bring it to an end—in just seconds.
But when the conflict is more complex or when a seemingly simple disagreement
is a symptom of a larger problem between people, resolving the situation will
require more time and thought. If you are resentful of always having to share
everything with your sister—your laptop, your PlayStation, the family car, even
attention from your parents—your conflict is bigger than a piece of pie. Resolv-
ing it may require a more involved approach, such as honest, lengthy dialogue
about your resentments and possible ways for each of you to have more things
you can call your own. The styles we use for managing conflict, be they simple or
complicated, generally fall into one of three basic categories: escapist, competi-
tive, or cooperative (see Table 8.1).
Escapist Styles
People who do not like conflict often use escapist styles—they try to prevent or
avoid direct conflict altogether or, if they have to engage in it, get it over with as
quickly as possible. There are two styles that both involve trying to escape con-
flict: avoiding and obliging.
SOMETIMES THE com-
petition for a lone piece of pie
can mask larger emotional
issues. Alan Richardson/Getty Images