Chapter 8 Managing Conflict in Relationships 229that people who feel very “close” in their relationships tend to engage more in
obliging than do more distant relational partners (Zhang & Andreychik, 2013).
However, if you always give in, your sister may learn to exploit you (think about
what happens when parents always give in to their child’s tantrums!), or you may
build up resentment at never getting your own needs met in the relationship.
❶ Is the kind of produc-
tive conflict described by
Miller and Keller possible
for people of all faiths?
Why might having dual
faiths be out of the
question for some?
❷ Is every mixed-faith
relationship an exercise
in compromise of some
sort? What sorts of com-
promises are the Kellers
and Millers making? What
other ways are there of
managing conflicting
faiths?
➌ Think about the
benefits of interfaith
communities described
by Miller. Do you think it’s
really possible to explore
alternative faiths while
still remaining true to
your own? Are there any
benefits to adopting one
faith over the other?Yours, Mine, and Both of Ours
The sight of a family lighting a menorah alongside their Christmas tree is
not all that unfamiliar, of course; nor is the story of one parent who quietly
leaves behind his or her own religious faith and allows his or her spouse (and
his or her spouse’s family and congregation) to take the spiritual lead. For
couples of mixed faith, navigating differences in religion can be fraught with
conflict, ranging from inconveniences over holidays to misunderstandings
with parents and extended families, to troubling arguments over inconsistent
messages or values. And yet, a 2008 Pew study found that nearly four in ten
American marriages are between spouses of different religious affiliations
(Pew, 2008). How do they navigate these potential conflicts?
Many families simply embrace more than one religion: the same Pew
study indicates that almost a quarter of Americans attend religious services
of more than one denomination or faith (Pew, 2008). Susan Katz Miller,
author of Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family,
conducted a survey of parents in interfaith communities, who had enrolled
their children in interfaith education programs, and found that for these
families, expressing more than one religion had benefits that extended
beyond simply resolving conflicting faiths. Interfaith families felt that
embracing both religions fostered family unity and gave extended families
(especially both sets of grandparents) equal weight. On a more personal
level, it prepared children to speak more frankly about their own religious
identity and to address outsiders’ questions about a last name or skin color
that doesn’t quite align with society’s ideas about religion, ethnicity, and
culture. And crucially, Miller points out more than 90 percent of the parents
she surveyed chose interfaith communities—sometimes along with mem-
berships in traditional congregations—because they wanted their children
to be literate in both religions (Miller, 2013).
For some, the question is not so much a matter of which religion, but
how much. The Kellers were both born and raised Roman Catholic, but as
adults they are not equally devout—Emma still practices, but husband Bill
describes himself as a “collapsed Catholic” who does not believe in God or
even in religion. Nonetheless, their children were baptized and will receive the
sacraments so important to the Catholic faith. “It’s not something we fight
about,” writes Emma. “Accepted or rejected, our religion gives us a common
language, some cultural reference points, and a sense of tradition that we are
both comfortable with” (Keller, 2009).THINK
ABOUT
THISCOMMUNICATIONACROSSCULTURES