232 Part 2 Interpersonal Communication
Splitting the pie is one particular cooperative conflict style called compro-
mising. In a compromise, the goal is to find the “middle ground” between two
(often extreme) positions. Each party gains something (half of the pie) but also
gives up something (the other half ). Compromises can be arrived at through
trading, whereby one partner offers something of equal value in return for some-
thing he or she wants. For example, separated parents who must navigate joint
custody arrangements might strike compromises regarding time spent with their
children. The advantage of compromise is that it lets you and the other person
quickly resolve or avert a conflict by agreeing on a decision-making method.
However, important relationships can suffer if the people involved are always
making compromises. That’s because compromising means giving up some of
what you want, even though you’re getting a little of something else in return.
To reach a truly win-win solution, in which both parties end up fully sat-
isfied with the outcome, requires the collaborating style. Collaborators are
problem solvers who creatively work toward finding ways to meet the goals of
both parties. In order to see how this might be achieved, let’s consider an issue
more serious than pie, such as this conflict within a family: twenty-year-old
Kieran wants to drop out of college to join the Army. His mother is very upset
and wants him to continue his education. A number of strategies can help them
effectively collaborate.
First, it is important that the discussion focus on issues—remain centered
on the matter at hand and steer clear of any personal attacks. If Kieran’s mother
boldly declares, “You are irrational and thoughtless. Who drops out of college
with only one year left?” she’s getting verbally aggressive and isn’t considering
the fact that Kieran may well have very good reasons for his decision. Second, it
helps to do some probing—asking questions that help you to identify each other’s
specific concerns. If Kieran’s mother asks probing questions (“Why do you want
to join the Army now when you’re so close to graduating?”), she’ll get a better
understanding of why and how he’s come to this decision. Likewise, Kieran
will get a better sense of his mother’s feelings if he asks similar questions of her
(“Why is it so important to you that I finish my degree now?”).
Probing helps encourage another important aspect of collaboration—
disclosure. Kieran, for example, might note that he is concerned about his
career—the job market for college graduates in his major is completely flat, and
so he sees the Army as a great employment opportunity. His mother might play
the role of devil’s advocate—provide counterpoints and worst-case scenarios—
and explain that he’ll still have to pay back all his college loans, and that all that
expenditure will have amounted to little if he doesn’t finish. But Kieran’s mother
too should be disclosing. She might reveal her own fears (“What if you get hurt
or killed?”) as well as the hopes she had built for her son to have a college degree
(“I want you to have the chance at success that I never had”).
Finally, collaborating involves shifting the focus from what your positions
are (“I want to leave college to join the Army” and “I want you to stay and finish
college”) to addressing each other’s underlying needs. Probing and disclosure may
reveal that it is not just about a career opportunity for Kieran but also about his
desire to serve his country, to do something noble and just with his life, or to
fight for an important cause. His mother’s needs may be about her wanting the
best life for her son or about keeping him close to her. Once they identify and