234 Part 2 Interpersonal Communicationrespect each other’s needs, they can begin to find options and alternative solutions
that may address many of them. For example, Kieran’s mother might suggest
that he join the Army Reserve instead, which would allow him to serve his coun-
try while still finishing school, as well as ensuring a career if he wants to go on
active duty after graduation. Kieran might also improve his correspondence skills
and keep in regular contact with his mother, whenever feasible, while deployed.
Could collaboration be achieved even in the case of chocolate peanut butter
pie? If the pie is not that important, then compromising is probably the easiest
cooperative strategy. But if the pie conflict is a reflection of some underlying
problems with competition or self-worth between you and your sister, then
attempts to address each other’s needs about “feeling special” or “deserving a
treat” may lead you to think of some mutually beneficial things you can do for
each other that have nothing to do with pie!Reconciliation
Annie and Helen are rivals, each repeatedly trying to show up the other in their
attempts to prove how close and loyal they are to their mutual friend Lillian. In
the popular film Bridesmaids, many hilarious moments emerge for the audience
as we follow these characters’ outrageous attempts to act as maid of honor for
their engaged friend. But for the characters themselves, the conflicts lead to deep
feelings of hurt and resentment, as well as relational detachment. To repair their
relationships (in time for a happy wedding), Annie, Helen, and Lillian engage
in two key forms of communication that help them move past their conflicts:
apology and forgiveness. We’ll now explore how each of these can help deescalate
conflict and push us toward relationship reconciliation.Apology
When Lillian is missing on the day of the wedding, Helen seeks Annie’s help
to find their friend. Annie resists, but they are eventually able to work together
once Helen begins to admit that she has been behaving badly. To apologize is
to admit wrongdoing and take responsibility for your own role in the conflict.
It can often be difficult to apologize, because it means swallowing your pride
and confessing that you did something wrong. Helen hates admitting it, but she
acknowledges that she hurt Annie by putting distance between Annie and Lil-
lian. The apology may or may not be accepted (Annie doesn’t want to hear it at
first), but when we hurt others, acknowledging it and expressing our regret and
remorse can go a long way toward repairing the damage (Donnoli & Wertheim,
2012). Annie and Helen do eventually experience a reconciliation that may lead
to the beginnings of friendly interactions between them.
An important part of taking responsibility is to recognize how our conflict
styles or behaviors might be affecting the other person. Metacommunication, or
communicating with each other about how we communicate, can help us become
more aware of our own communicative missteps in relationships (Acitelli, 2008).
Your best friend might tell you, for example, that “When you yell at me, I don’t
hear what you are saying because I’m so afraid of you.” You might respond,CONNECT
In Chapter 3, we discuss
how to choose our words
carefully, since they can
often be misconstrued
(especially when sent via
technological devices!).
If you are trying to heal
a larger problem with a
friend, you should aim to
talk to the person face
to face—and also think
carefully about what you
will say beforehand.