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overhead.But I’dneverfelt more lost.”As

the gravityofher situationbecameclear,she

thoughtabouther death. Sheimagined how

hermotherwouldreactwhen thecallcame,

retreatingtothegardentosmoke and gently

weep. Butjust asquickly,Nelsonpushedthese

thoughts away.“Itoldmyselfthat I’mnot

goingtofocuson that,”she says.Instead, she

entered survivalmode. “Fromthatmoment,

my brainwasfocusedon stayingalive.What

canIdo tocombatthe heat? WhatcanIdofor

shelter?” So shebegantosetherselftasks.She

usedtweezersfromherfirstaidkittotear

herselfoutofhersoiled underwear.She was

abletoapplysunscreentoher legs,andused

apapermap toshieldherself astemperatures

neared40ºC.

She attemptedtorationherwatersupply,

butin the heat,it wasrunningoutfast.So

she decided tostockpile asmuchofher own

urineaspossible,keepingitin anempty

waterbottle. Afreezingnightpassed–andshe

started asecond day trappedonher backand

exposedtothedesertsun.Partlyfortheodd

feelingofcompanyit provided, she beganto

record her videomessages.“In thiscrazy heat,IkeepthinkingI

hearahelicopter,” shesaysbreathlessly, lookingup fromher spot

on theground.“AtonepointIthoughtIheardanambulancein

thedistance. Butitwasallin myhead.” Inthesevideos,she

demonstrateswhat shehasbeendoingtostayalive. She showsoff

ajerry-rigged parasol,constructedusingherwalking pole anda

plasticshoppingbag.She fantasisesaboutacoldcan ofDiet

Coke. Instead,she hasahalf-bottleoflukewarmwee.

By noon onhersecondday,with

no waterleft,dehydration began

tocreep. Shedescribeshow a

throbbingpressuregrewinside

herskull,asthough herbrain

wassomehowwithering.

Curiously, shesays,yourskin

becomescold,evenintheheat,as bloodisrerouted tovital

organs.Hereyeballsbecamedryandfeltdensein theirsockets.So

she pinchedher noseanddrank theurine.“Whichtastedexactly

as you’dthink,”she sighs.“It gets right inyournostrils–like that

smellyougetwhenyou walkpast themen’stoiletsinapub.It’s

theworst.”

Atonepoint, shemade aconcertedefforttomove,butthepain

almostcausedherto passout.Inthe heat,unconsciousnesscould

equaldeath, soshedidn’ttryagain,and focusedinsteadon small,

achievable tasks–“so Iwouldn’tget toodespondent”.Butthere

werealso occasionswhen,shivering under thestars,she spent

time reflecting.“You kind of think, ‘OK. Well, I’m going to die.

Do Ifeelsatisfied with theway I’velivedmylife?’ ”And didshe?

She wasn’t sure.Nels on hadmoved toLondonfrom New

Zealand morethan adozen yearsearlier and establishedacareer

as ajournalistfor foodand travel magazines. Ostensibly, life was

great.“Iwas writing travelarticlesandliving in London, which

had alwa ys been thedream,” shesays. She hadspentyears

strivingfor this, but it didn’t make her happy. She felt lonely,

and under constantpressure to show everyone–friends, family,

colleagues–she was living hervery bestlife.“Ie ndedupinan

awfulcycl ewhere Ibecamedepressed,”shesays.

Thanksto so cialmedia, Nelson wasable to keepher depression

hidden.Shecould “puton amask”and present an imageofher

life asperfect. “I wasvery lonelyandsuffering, andthos eweren’t

thingsIwas admitting to anybody. So my Instagram wasaway

of hidingthat. Youcan putout th ebest version of you,evenif

it’s not thefull version.”There is an irony here,though. Because

if Nelsonhadn’t spent allthose hoursupdating her Instagram

profile, shewould almost certainlyhavedied

in thedesert.Thefriends she washousesitting

for hadnoticedshehad not postedforthree

days,whichwas unusual.Theyaskedanother

friendtocall inonthehouse, where she’d

writtenahandwrittennoteonacalendar

saying“LostPalmsOasis”on 22May.Itwas

now 25May.Panicked,herfriendscontacted

the park rangers’ office.Her carwasfound

parkednearthetrailhead,andonthe morning

of Friday2 5 May,she was officiallydeclared

missing.As searchpartiessetoutinto the

desert,parkrangers hopedtofind heralive–

buttheyexpectedto find acorpse.

Nelson,ofcourse, knew nothingofthis. After

almostfourdays inthe desert,she wasbynow

wellintothe processofdyingofdehydration,

andwasdriftinginand outof consciousness.

Inafinal message,shetellsfamilyand friends

thatshelovesthem.Paleandwithhereyes

half-shut,she mutterstonobodyinparticular.

“Is someonegoingtocome looking forme?”

Several hourslater,she woketothe thrumof

ahelicopter passingoverhead.Amanwas

shouting throughaloudspeaker –“Claire Nelson,wearelooking

foryou. Ifyoucan,makeanysignalsowecan seeyou”–buther

criesinresponsesoundedpatheticallysmall.Eventually ,she made

aflagbyfixingherBobDylan T-shirt tothe improvisedparasol

andwaving withwhateverstrengthshe had left.Afterwhat

seemedlikeanage, thevoicefromtheskyrangout.“Claire,we

see you.We’recomingtogetyou.”It’samomentshestruggl es

adequatelyto describe.“I’ve never felt anythinglike it,”she says,

shakingherhead.“Those wordsareburntintomybrain.”

In hospital,she was treatedfor

dehydrationandunderwentan

operationtopieceherpelvis

backtogether.Her storymade

the news,bothintheUS and

NewZealand,whereshe

returnedto recuperate.Sixweeksafterher rescue, shelearnt

another hiker had gonemissinginJoshuaTree.Hisbodywas

onlyfound inJanuarythisyear. “Thathit mereallyhard,”she

says.“I’mgladhisfamilyhas gotclosure. But Ihaveabitof

survivor’sguilt.Thatcould have been me.”

Since herordeal,she hasreceived afairamountof criticism

online from people –mostlymen–keen totellherthat she

gotwhatshedeserved for going outthere alone.Sheadmits she

shouldhavetoldmorepeoplewhere shewasgoing,butmaintains

there’snothing inherentlydangerousaboutsolo hiking.Recently

returned to London, shesays that shehas not fully processed the

trauma ofwhat happen ed,because whileshecan remember

everythingwith clarity,shecan’t accessthe emotions shewas

feeling at thetime. Sheexpectsshe’ll have to tacklethisevent-

ually.“I’m sort of waiting forit to just jumpout atme one day.”

Sheisstill on antidepressantsand experiencesanxiet y, but her

Inst agramisnow moreopen and honest andshefindsshe has

moreperspective onlife.“I’vegot this second chance at life,”

shesays. “SohowmuchofitdoIwant to giveovertoworrying

about thingsthat don’t matt er?”And forallthe peoplekeen to

criticise her, she has found therearemanymorewho insistthat

they would never have beenable to do what she didandmakeit

through. “They say, ‘Oh,Iwould have diedafter one night.’ But

Idon’t believethat,” shesays. “I thinkweall havethatsurvival

instinct in us.It’sjust that we neverusually have totestit.”

Alongerversionofthis articleappearedin TheTimesMagazine.

©Times Newspapers 2020.ThingsILearn ed fromFallingby

Claire Nelsonis published by Asterat£12.99.

ClaireNelson:a“secondchanceatlife”

The last word

28 March 2020 THE WEEK

“With no water left, dehydration began to

creep.Athrobbing pressure grew inside her

skull, as though her brain was withering”

©T

HE TIMES MAGAZINE/NEWS LICENSING