2020-04-01 Real Simple

RIGHT WRONG*

* Unless there

are pigeons

living under

your table

snail boat fairy spoon

rooster

wrench

cookie

spork

tissues

gum

gold

doubloons

For Fun

How to Be a Person

CATHERINE NEWMAN, OUR MODERN MANNERS COLUMNIST,

WROTE A NEW BOOK GEARED TOWARD KIDS—BUT HONESTLY, EVERYONE IN

THE HOUSE SHOULD BRUSH UP ON THESE CLEANING AND LIFE SKILLS.

HOW TO PLUNGE A TOILET

It’s OK! It happens! Don’t panic.

But also? Don’t keep flushing. (Trust us

on this.) Find the plunger. If you can’t find

the plunger, you’ll have to awkwardly

ask somebody for one. Push the plunger

down and pull up until whatever

was stuck gets dislodged and the water

drains out with a satisfying whoosh.

Cross your fingers and flush again.

HOW TO SORT LAUNDRY

Make two piles: “lights” and “darks,”

assuming this is your house style of

doing laundry (some families wash all

the clothes together, which is fine too).

Go through everybody’s pants

pockets and remove whatever you find.

Finders keepers! (Not really.)

HOW TO FOLD A

FITTED SHEET

Just kidding. Go ahead and wad

it up like a normal person.

HOW TO VACUUM

The vacuum is noisy and scary and the

mortal enemy of pets. Still, it’s useful for

cleaning the floor. First pick up the floor.

No, don’t pick up the floor. You know

what we mean. Move the stray Legos

and Lego catalogs and slippers so you

don’t have to vacuum around them and

so you won’t suck them up by mistake.

HOW TO WIPE THE

TABLE AND COUNTERS

Move things like salt shakers

and candlesticks out of the way.

Wipe up all the crumbs first

by cupping your hand at

the edge of the surface and

sweeping the crumbs into it.

HOW TO SET THE TABLE

If it’s

just regular

people

EXCERPTED FROM H OW TO

BE A PERSON (MAY 2020)

© BY CATHERINE NEWMAN.

ILLUSTRATIONS © BY DEBBIE

FONG. USED WITH PERMISSION

FROM STOREY PUBLISHING.

If the Queen

of England

is coming

144 REAL SIMPLE APRIL 2020 Illustrations by Debbie Fong

0420FUN.V1.indd 144 FINAL 2/19/20 10:18 AM