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intrigue, they would have left me alone. They feel that this is some-
thing different, that this is not a mere pastime, that this woman is
dearer to me than life. And this is incomprehensible, and that’s why it
annoys them. Whatever our destiny is or may be, we have made it
ourselves, and we do not complain of it,” he said, in the word we linking
himself with Anna. “No, they must needs teach us how to live. They
haven’t an idea of what happiness is; they don’t know that without our
love, for us there is neither happiness nor unhappiness—no life at all,”
he thought.
He was angry with all of them for their interference just because he
felt in his soul that they, all these people, were right. He felt that the
love that bound him to Anna was not a momentary impulse, which
would pass, as worldly intrigues do pass, leaving no other traces in the
life of either but pleasant or unpleasant memories. He felt all the
torture of his own and her position, all the difficulty there was for them,
conspicuous as they were in the eye of all the world, in concealing their
love, in lying and deceiving; and in lying, deceiving, feigning, and con-
tinually thinking of others, when the passion that united them was so
intense that they were both oblivious of everything else but their love.
He vividly recalled all the constantly recurring instances of inevi-
table necessity for lying and deceit, which were so against his natural
bent. He recalled particularly vividly the shame he had more than
once detected in her at this necessity for lying and deceit. And he
experienced the strange feeling that had sometimes come upon him
since his secret love for Anna. This was a feeling of loathing for some-
thing—whether for Alexey Alexandrovitch, or for himself, or for the
whole world, he could not have said. But he always drove away this
strange feeling. Now, too, he shook it off and continued the thread of
his thoughts.
“Yes, she was unhappy before, but proud and at peace; and now
she cannot be at peace and feel secure in her dignity, though she does
not show it. Yes, we must put an end to it,” he decided.
And for the first time the idea clearly presented itself that it was
essential to put an end to this false position, and the sooner the better.
“Throw up everything, she and I, and hide ourselves somewhere alone
with our love,” he said to himself.