2020-03-23_The_Big_Issue_UserUpload.Net

Themesmerisingtrack,nearly40years old,stillsounds
asexcitingasin 19 81:analmostbrutalpiece ofmusicwithits
relentlessdrumpatternanditsradically reduced aesthetics,fuses
formandfunctionwhilearobotvoice repeatedlyrecitesofthe
numbersfromonetoeightinvariousEuropeanlanguages. The
figures seemtohoveroverthemusiciansbehindtheirconsoles
andare occasionallyflyingclosepastone’s face. What follows
are allthosetimelessmilestonesfromKraftwerk’simpressive
catalogue:themightyTrans-Europe Express,thegorgeous
Radioactivityortheirsignature tuneTheRobots,whichis
performedonstagebyuncanny-lookinglife-sizedummies. Plusa
13-minuteversionofAutobahntoboot.
Truly,mosttheremarkableaspectofKraftwerk
Gesamtkunstwerk(totalwork ofart)isthatnotonlyevery other
artistfromColdplaytoJay-Z,DaftPunktoDepecheMode,
UnderworldtoDetroittechno,isindebtedtotheirgame-
changingelectronicsounds,butevenmore thefact thatthey
stillsoldieron,playingdozensofconcerts every year around
theglobe.EventhoughsingerRalf Hütterthesedaysistheonly
foundingmemberleft,theiraudio-visual3Dextravaganzais
easilythemostexcitingliveexperience around.FromGermany
inexorablyforwardtowardsthefuture ofmusic.

UweSchütte’sKraftwerk:FutureMusic
fromGermanyisoutnow(Penguin,£9.99)

Joiningtheautobahn

Kraftwerkonstageon

their 2017 UKtour

TV

Guys and LOLs

An extraordinarily cheesy new dating show is

just the tonic right now for Lucy Sweet

W

hilehumancontactisreplacedwithelbowbumpsand

awkwardbowing,let’salltreat ourselvestoFiveGuys

a Week–aChannel4datingshow withsuchflagrant

disregardfor dignityandpersonalhygienethatyou’ll

needahazmatsuitjusttowatchit.

Datingshowsare havingamoment,butthisoneisadoozy.It’s

basically ComeCringewithMe.Awomaninvitesfivementolivein

herhousefor aweek,thenshehastochooseaboyfriend.Oh,andthey

alsohavetomeetherfriendsandherparents.

Inthefirstepisode,it’sAmy,aperfectlynice singlemuminher30s.

Her suitorsare Christian,abeady-eyedfinancialfraudinvestigator,

Glen,adeeplyinsecure governmentworker,Michael,ahappy-go-

luckystuntman,country andwesternsinger-songwriterScott and

Trystan,adorkysurfer withachinlike asink.Swipeleft,Amy!

Overaplateofrisotto,Glen,whoisobviouslynotoverhisex-wife,

revealsthathe’s searchingfor the“MichelleObamatomyBarack”.

Scott startscryingabouthisdivorce.AndTrystan?He’s lookingfor

aprincess togaze atthestarswith.Asfor Michael,heisn’treally

listening,becausehe’s theonlyadultonearthwhohasneverhad

risottobefore.OHMY GOD.

Meanwhile,Christian,whoseemslike thekindofguywho

quoteslinesfromTheWolfofWallStreetunderhisbreathwhilehe’s

attheurinal,keepsitlightandservesdessert,whilerevealingthe

astonishingnewsthathisfavouritecheesecakeflavouris“New York”.

He’snotafanofemotionaldisplays.“Emotionsare evil,”hesays,

“Whatdoyoudowiththem?”

Despitehavingahousefilledwithsomanyredflagsthatyoucould

make fuckingbunting,Amyseemstobeenjoyingherself.Trystanis

unceremoniouslydumpedonthefirstday,andChristianandScott

beginarace for heraffectionswhileGlen–sorry,Barack–gets

stressedaboutthecooking.Her friendsarrivelaterandtheyallgoto

aclub,whereAmykissesScott.Afterwards,hegetsouthisguitar(oh

sweet Jesus)andplays thechordsC,GandDinanattempttowoo her.

Christian,though,isplayingthelonggame. “Ilike tousea

metaphor,”hesays. “Givepeopleenoughrope andthey’llhang

themselves.” (Haven’theard thatonebefore,mate,didyoumakeit

up?)Next thingyouknow,AmyisupstairskissingChristian,while

Scott sitsdownstairsplayingacrap songaboutCalifornia.

Scottisdumpedthenext day,fated tosingthebluesfor ever,

leavingonlyChristianandGlen,whoisdoomedafterhegetsunduly

passiveaggressiveaboutsomeparsnips. Christianwins. Well done

Amyonyourbadlife choices! God,Ican’twaitfornext week. Justneed

tosanitisemyentire bodyandwe’ll begoodtogo.

FiveGuysaWeekisonChannel4 onTuesdaysat9.15pmand

onchannel4.com

@lucytweet1

Pillow talk

Amy with her choice

of five suitors

Image: Joseph Okpako/WireImage

23-29 MARCH 2020 BIGISSUE.COM | 35