57PresidentBill Clintondresseduplike
Rasputin andEltonJohnplayed the
piano?Or that 2012 30th birthday
party for French fashion mogul
ArthurdeSoultraitinParisattended
byPippaMiddleton,atwhichguests
in decadentFrencharistoget-upssat
on gold thrones?
Thesilly-moneywealthyloveafancy-
dressballbecauseitstelegraphed
imagesreinforcetheus-and-them,
rich-and-poordemarcation.Justin
case theyachtsandthe cars and the
propertyportfolioweren’t proof,here
we aredressed upas,say,Roman
emperors,Frenchroyalty,Greek gods,
Russianaristocrats:PeterYork’sDictator Styledecoratingrules
asadaptedtothe art ofentertaining.Go big,gogaudy, goLouis
XIV FrenchorRomanor Greek–butmakeit allnewand shiny
and sprinkledwith celebrity.Theseelaboratedresscodesmay
be laughedoff asahigh-camp decadencebyhostsandattendees.
But really,theysuggestanew,oligarchicworldorder:thisishow
we deserve tobeliving,thewaywewouldhave been seenin
adifferent(better)era.Weareroyalty;wearekings.Wehave
arighttoall thisstuff.
Suchswaggeringentitlement seemstocomewiththetax-free
territorywhenone’smassive wealthappearstobe capableof
buyingliterallyanything:boats,helicopters,jets,political
influence,celebrity friendshipsand more. Toevenalow-table
lunchguestlikeme,it wasn’tjustGreen’sdespotic decorand
esurientdininghabitsthatwere Romanesque –there waseven
atouch oftheNeroaboutthe
wayheorchestratedthejet
skis.Afterour lunch,tipsy
andheadywithfreeloading
indulgence,Walliams,Bluntand
Iwere encouragedto gobelow
to the swimmingplatform–aka
the“toygarage”–toplaywith Lionheart’sminiflotillaof
Seabobsand jetskis,whichhadbeencustomised withleopard-
printpaintjobs.
We were abouttodiveinwhen wenoticed thewaterwasalive
with nasty-looking jellyfishthesize ofcyclinghelmets.Hundreds
of them.“Don’tworry,they’resafe,” assured adeckhandin his
whiteshortsandLionheart logopoloshirt.“Definitely notthe
stingingkind.” Howcould hebesosure?Turned outthat before
thelunchparty arrived,acrew member hadnettedoneofthem
and rubbedits tentaclesonhisarmtocheckforstingintensity
and potentialpain.Thestaffershowed usastillrawpatchonhis
bicep.“It’s red, butitdidn’tsting,” he said.
Backondeck, Green,now tiring of our excitable company,
ushered us downstairs into the yacht’sdarkened,air-conned
cinema.He wanted to bring thefocus back to him, show us a
shorthome movie... Walliams,Greeninsisted, hadtosit in the
seat next to him.The insanely rich gather talent andcelebrities
with thesame bullish alacrity thatthey accr ue everything else –
performers, musicians,dancers and magicians arebought at
premiumrates.But oftenitisnot enough to beasimpleobser ver,
to be merelytalentadjacent; thesuperhost must also be seen to
be similarlytalented, up onstage,sharing thejoke, drummingor
strumming along. At theirparties inparticular, they crave tobe
partofthat talentedworld themselves.
This impulse can manifestitself inavariety of toe-curlingly
distressing ways. Say,aSilicon Valleybillionairesinging along
withahiredhip-hopact, aGerman hedgie singing orplaying
guitarwith arockband... or adeejaying investment banker.
DavidSolomon, chairman and chief executive officer of
investment bank Goldman Sachs (estimated net worth
perhaps £60m),moonlights as
backwards-baseball-cap-wearingDJ
D-Sol,who hangsoutwith Puffy(aka
PDiddy) and hassharedbillingwith
PaulOakenfold.Ioncewenttoabacchanalianvilla
party inIbiza hostedbyacrazy-rich
Eurohedge-funder whohadhired
David GuettaandGrooveArmada
todeejay forhisguests,so longas he
could share thecrossfader with the
superstarsbeforehand.His choiceof
music wasembarrassinglybad, the
mixingham-fisted anddisjointed.
Guettasmiledbenignly,hisexpression
urgingthesettocometoanearly
close.Whenthebankerfinished,hisblonde,Gucci-edwifegave
himahugand hisfriendsclappedandwoo-woo’edpolitely.
“Darling,thatwasbrilliant!”his wife said.“Ifyouevergetfired
fromyourbank, you canalways becomeaprofessionalDJ.” An
imminentsackingfromsaid bankwasunlikely,mostly because
herhusband’sfamilyalsohappenedtoown it.WithGreen,itwas slightlydifferent.He’drecently thrown
another hugebash–his son Brandon’sbarmitzvahat the
Grand-Hôtel duCap-Ferrat(performances byAndreaBocelli
andDestiny’sChildfeaturingBeyoncé)–andhadcontributed to
theentertainmentbyproducingahome movie.Thiscomprised
variousGreenfamilymembersperformingrescripted versions
of classic sketchesfromtheLittleBritainTVseries,withGreen
himself both castanddressedupasthe BBCshow’skeycomic
characters:chavvyVickyPollard,cantankerous wheelchair-bound
Andy,recalcitrant, keyboard-
tappingCarolBeer,mimicking
their catchphrases,“Yeahbutno
but”,“Computersays no”,etc.For usnon-family members,
dyingfor morechilledroséand
another coolingdive intothe sea, itwasahard watch.For his
ownfamilyatthatbarmitzvah, waitingforBeyoncé tosing,it
musthavebeen excruciating.For Walliams,our privateviewing
tookonaslightly surreal quality.“Ithinkhe’sforgottenthathe
actuallyaskedmeto beinthat film,”heconfidedas wefiled out.
“And that I’dturned himdown.”Withlunchnowlongdone,port and disembarkationpoint fast
approaching,butwine stillflowing,conversationturnedtothe
megarichyacht owner’sfavouritesubject:other megarichmen’s
yachts. Mytheoryisthatthe bulk,lengthand girth,thegreat
beauty, even,of one’sownboat, cannotbe satisfactorily
appreciatedwhenactu ally standing onitsdeck. Instead,the
owner looksout to sea, oftenthrough hig h-powered binoculars
–and allhesees are other, possiblybiggerboats. This isacruel,
ego-crushing spectator sport,anditusuallyendsupwith avisit
to thebroker’s andan expensiveorder foranother,bigger boat.Green alreadyhad anewer, better,£100m,300ftLionheart in
the works.Hewould take delivery of the boat in 2016, justas
the BHSpensions scandalwaspeaking.In June 2019, football
superstarCristia no Ronaldo would visitthenew Lionheart for
agameoftable tennis.Butonthat dayin2008,Green hadto
settl efor moreverbalping-pongwith Walliams.“Phili p,”the
Littl eBritainstardeadpanned,shakinghands with Green as
he cast an admiring look across the£32m,Benet ti-builtvessel’s
three-storey, tennis court-sized decks, andthe cascading
companionwayleadingdowntothe cinemaand thebeautysalon
andthe corridor ofmasterbedrooms. “Thisisdefinite ly oneof
theTOP TEN boatsI’ve ever been on.”Alonge rversionof this ar ticle was originallypublishedin
TheTimes©The Times/News Licensing.Thelastword29 February 2020THE WEEKTheLionheart:Green’slatestocean-goingMcMansion“With the wine still flowing, conversation
turned to the megarich yacht owner’s favourite
subject: other megarich men’s yachts”