The New Yorker - USA (2020-05-04)

THENEWYORKER,M AY4, 2020 23

SHOUTS & MURMURS

LUCI GUTIÉRREZ

“BOILED HAM AND PARSNIPS” When Sight &

Sound reviewed the film on its release, in

1972, it conceded that Kasimir Kaschom­

ski’s five­hour black­and­white account

of a Ukrainian peasant woman’s strug­

gle to prepare the eponymous meal “might

not be for everyone,” but we’re long past

that. The film, presented in four chap­

ters, titled “Walk to the Market,” “The

Haggle,” “The Walk Home Again,” and

“The Preparation of the Ham,” culmi­

nates in scum­flecked bubbles in the pan,

which exert a weirdly hypnotic hold on

the viewer. Ulnyano Melnik had never

appeared before a camera until “Boiled

Ham,” and she never appeared before

one again. But you’ll believe every step

of the two­hour walk, and every obsti­

nate syllable of the haggle. She’s not in

the kitchen scenes much; Kaschomski

lets the ham take center stage, a breath­

taking piece of cinematic bravery that

pays off. Try not to binge! My family and

I made this last for two nights. (Five

hours and twenty-one minutes. Netflix

Ukraine—you can change the settings on

your account.)

MACON MCCALMAN RETROSPECTIVE You

are, I’m guessing, unfamiliar with the

work of Macon McCalman, who died

in 2005, with a hundred and fifteen movie

and television credits to his name. I was

unfamiliar with it, too, until I picked a

random film on IMDb (“Smokey and

the Bandit”) and a random character

(Mr. B.), and set out to watch every sin­

gle McCalman performance I could find.

Some of them are hard to come by, cer­

tainly, and, if anyone has access to the

1977 TV series “Carter County,” I’m look­

ing for the episode titled, with an omi­

nous inelegance, “By the Light of the

Moonlight,” in which McCalman plays

Drunk. But he was Goodspeed in an

episode of “Wonder Woman,” Dr. Harry

Capello in “Hart to Hart,” and Ned

Avery in “Barnaby Jones.” Chances are,

if you watched TV in the seventies or

the eighties, you ignored him—up to

now. He had the enviable ability to play

different characters in the same series

without anyone noticing: he was both

Dolph Masterson and Kibbee in “Lou

Grant,” Mark Duncan and Wendall

Glendale in “Maude” (both episodes

filmed in 1977), Dr. Kalsa and George

Endicott in “Diff ’rent Strokes.” The

pandemic gives us a chance to celebrate

his work. There was so much of it that

you’ll be watching forever, unless you

shoot yourself first. (Eighty-one hours,

approx. Mostly YouTube, but check any old

VHS tapes you have in the garage.)

1997 NATIVITY PLAY, ST. SWITHIN’S SCHOOL

You’ve seen “Downton Abbey” three

times. You’ve even seen the movie. You’ve

watched “Poldark,” “The Forsyte Saga,”

“Grantchester,” “Victoria,” “Upstairs,

Downstairs,” and everything Jane Aus­

ten so much as thought about writing.

Where to go for your posh Brit fix? Try

this nativity play put on by the exclusive

St. Swithin’s primary school, in south­

west London, filmed on a shaky but pass­

able camcorder by a proud front­row

parent. Harry Smith­Walker plays Jo­

seph with youthful enthusiasm, although

he tends to shout his lines, and his reac­

tion to the flatulence of a Wise Man

does break the fourth wall momentarily.

St. Swithin’s didn’t accept girls until 2002,

so Nigel Parker­Lawrence plays Mary,

with a rather winning modesty, although,

as was true in so many pre­twenty­first­

century productions, the part is under­

written, and Mary the woman is ob­

scured by Mary the mother. Politics buffs

will be excited to know that Smith­

Walker is now a Junior Minister for Work

and Pensions in Boris Johnson’s Cabi­

net. (Twenty-one minutes. YouTube.)

DARLINGTON V. GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY, OC-

TOBER, 2016 You’ve probably seen every

highlights package in every field of sport­

ing endeavor by now, so why not watch

full games between teams you’ve never

heard of? Darlington, from County Dur­

ham, is in the sixth division of English

football; Gainsborough Trinity is from

Lincolnshire. Their clash a few years back

was uploaded to YouTube, where it has

been viewed by eighteen hundred people.

Prepare for the match by finding out a

little bit about the history of the two

clubs—Darlington formed in 1883 and

turned pro in 1908, and very little has

happened to the team since. Gainsborough

Trinity, ten years older than Darlington,

was originally called Trinity Recreation­

ists. It reached the giddy heights of the

English second division in 1896, but it’s

been mostly downhill ever since. Jordan

Adebayo­Smith, a nineteen­year­old

born in California, is on loan to Gains­

borough from Lincoln City, so Ameri­

cans can keep an eye on one of their own.

(Two hours and seven minutes, including

a blank screen during halftime. YouTube.)

“CATS” Cats was widely derided at the

time of its release, in 2019, but, if you

have literally seen everything else on

every streaming service, then perhaps it’s

worth... Actually, I hate this job, and I

quit. Read “Ulysses” or the Bible. Talk

to your family. Try to make a replica of

the old Ebbets Field out of used chew­

ing gum. There will be a vaccine soon. 

WHAT TO WATCH DURING

THE LOCKDOWN: MONTH 38

BY NICK HORNBY