THENEWYORKER,MARCH2, 2020 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
It was a professional football league that lasted
for one season 19 years ago, but memories of
the XFL are surprisingly vivid.... The old
XFL celebrated its edginess, even promising
glimpses into the cheerleaders’ locker rooms.
“We are gimmick-free,” the new league presi-
dent, Jeffrey Pollack, said. “And we don’t even
have cheerleaders.”
—The Times.
G
ood news, football fans! The X.F.L.
is back. That’s right, the X-Treme
Football League returned on Febru-
ary 8th with X-TREME personalities,
X-TREME fans, and X-TREME game
play! But X-Actly how does the X.F.L.
revolutionize and X-Treme-alize the
boring old No Fun League? To answer
your questions, we have created this
helpful guide to usher you through the
X-Citing, X-Cessive, and X-Treme
game of X.F.L. football!
Each team gets only one helmet. Per-
haps you remember last year when Myles
Garrett completely bonked what’s-his-
name on the head with his own helmet.
Well, some people had a problem with
this, so to address the issue the X.F.L.
has dramatically reduced the number
of helmets in the game.
Everyone stands for the national an-
them. And by “national anthem” we
mean Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba,” and by
“stands” we mean shreds an air guitar.
No weather delays. Imagine this scene.
Fourth and nine. Late in the game.
Clouds roll in. The running back
catches the ball out of the backfield.
Lightning crashes all around him.
BOW! BOW! BLAMMO! He shrugs
off linebackers and weaves through
bolts of pure electricity en route to a
sixty-yard score! I mean, that’d be pretty
rad, right?
Some players get to use wheels. What-
ever that means to you.
When you score a touchdown, you get
to shoot a gun. One time. Anywhere you
want. It can be at the other team, but
it doesn’t have to be.
Mandatory reality television. The
N.F.L. produces the HBO hit “Hard
Knocks.” Well, get ready for the X.F.L.’s
own “Knocks That Aren’t as Hard, but
We Hope the Game of Football Is So
Popular/Profitable That People Will
Watch Anything Even Remotely Re-
lated to It.” Coming this month to
CBS All Access!
Unique salary structure. I’ll tell you
right now, we will not have enough
money to pay our players. So we’ll be
passing a hat around the stadium to help
these guys out. Please be generous.
No Gatorade on the sidelines. We have
reached an exclusive deal to make
Twisted Tea® the official alcoholic-
iced-tea beverage of the X.F.L. Hy-
drate responsibly!
Therefore, no Gatorade baths. Twisted
Tea® is too delicious, valuable, and re-
freshing to waste dumping on the win-
ning coach. Hope you like scalding-hot
coffee, skipper!
Every team will be named for a racial
slur. In the N.F.L., Washington is the
most notable franchise marketing it-
self using an outdated, hateful, and ig-
norant phrase. Not anymore! Keep an
eye out for the Seattle ********, the
St. Louis *****, and, of course, the Tampa
Bay *****************.
Old, old players. Tom Brady says he
wants to play until he’s forty-five. Well,
we’ve beaten the N.F.L. once again.
They may not run fast, throw deep, or
remember their children’s birthdays,
but our players know where they were
when Kennedy was shot.
Cheap franchises, perfect for real-
estate moguls. President Trump has
long dreamed of owning an N.F.L.
team, but you usually have to be a bil-
lionaire to do so. Therefore, we’re dra-
matically lowering the price of an
X.F.L. franchise so Donny can get in
on the action.
All replays handled by Dennis. We ’re
tired of élite league officials in New
York pushing their liberal agenda
with these replay decisions. In the
X.F.L., if there is a questionable call
on the field, we’ll text our pal Dennis
to get his gut reaction. He’s usually
good with this stuff. I mean, the guy
guesses the winner of “The Bachelor”
every season.
The captain of the winning team gains
the ancient right of primae noctis. This
one is pretty self-explanatory.
Premium defensive celebrations. To
insure that our sack and interception
celebrations are second to none, each
defensive player will be required to
complete the acting program at
N.Y.U.’s Tisch School of the Arts. Ul-
timately, these celebrations won’t be
“entertaining,” but they just might
make you think.
Let’s give the ladies something to look
at. Hogs out, fellas!
Weird uniforms. If there is one thing
that I can promise you about the
X.F.L. (and all future alternative foot-
ball leagues), it’s that the uniforms
will be jarring to behold.
There you have it! Now that you’re
an expert on the X.F.L., we’ll see you
next week, when the ****** take on the
**********. Presented by Twisted Tea®.
X-TREME RULES OF THE X.F.L.
BY ELI COYOT E MANDEL
