FEBRUARY 29 2020 LISTENER 87
THE GOOD LIFE
T
here has been a lot of shouting
going on here at Lush Places
in recent weeks. I shout at
my tomatoes: “Come on!
But not quite yet.” I shout at my
sunflowers and my dahlias and my
zinnias: “Come on! But not quite
yet.” You are supposed to shout
and swear at basil, so I do.
You should be really angry when
you plant chillies; it is supposed
to make them hotter. I can’t grow
parsley from seed (can anyone?). If
anyone is mad enough to try, you
are supposed to plant three rows
of seed: two for the devil and one
for you. Being able to grow parsley
from seed is supposed to be a sign
of an honest person, in which case
I should be locked up for life for
dishonesty.
That would be preferable to
being barred for life from the
Home Industries exhibition at
Masterton’s annual A&P Show. I
phoned the president before last
weekend’s show and said: “I have two
ripe tomatoes and one not-quite-ripe
tomato.” You need three tomatoes
for an entry. I said: “If I painted the
not-quite-ripe tomato red, would I be
disqualified for life?” The president
said: “I would think so.”
I really didn’t mean to cheat by
entering three climbing beans instead
of the required four; I just neglected
to properly read the schedule. MyJiggery-pokery
notwithstanding,
the Masterton A&P
Show was a triumph
for Lush Pastures.
And the winner is
beans should have been disqualified, but somehow
I managed to win first prize. I pinched a purple
bean from the lovely Chris’ first-prize-winning
vegetable selection to make up the numbers. I had
somehow managed not to read the sign instructing
people not to touch the exhibits.
There was a near-scandal over at the culinary
herbs table. Somebody was muttering that a jar
containing three herbs had pipped a display
featuring 12. Chris was dragged over to witness
this outrage.
A fruitless call for a steward was made. “My
herbs have been nobbled,” shouted the bad loser.Photographic evidence was obtained. I came home
and properly read the schedule: the judges’ decision
is final.
I won 11 categories, so I am not about to
argue with the obviously discerning judges.
The competition was fierce. In the large zinnia
category, I won first and second prizes. In medium
sunflowers, I won first and second prize. In three
medium zinnias in a vase, I won first prize. No
second or third places were awarded, possiblybecause there were no other entries.
It has been a hard, hot gardening
year here in the Wairarapa.I
am chuffed to have won large.
I love the Masterton A&P Show,
especially the Home Industries
exhibition. You see the same kind
people every year and they are always
ready with a tip to help you better
display your dahlias. The kids’ sec-
tions are brilliant: there was a spider
made out of an eggplant, with a
cotton wool web, including real
flies (deceased, thankfully), and a
turtle made out of half a water-
melon. There was a something
made out of a golden syrup can
that won first place and which
was ... a something made out of
a golden syrup can, with holes
in it. We spent quite a long time
puzzling over what exactly the
object was before agreeing that it
was indeed a something.
It is all a bit bonkers in a won-
derful and heart-warming way.
But we need more entries. We
need the hipsters and the foodies
and the younger gardeners to be
queueing up to enter with their
sourdough loaves and Yotam
Ottolenghi-inspired vegetable
platters and Sarah Raven-
inspired bold and beautiful floral
arrangements.
Charlotte, the city girl turned Mas-
terton milkmaid, who is 21, entered
for the first time this year. She won
third prize in floral art with her fabu-
lous arrangement in a Doc Marten
boot, laced with green satin ribbon.
The A&P show, the most fun you can
have outside of a beardy-hipster-beer
bar. So, next year, Masterton hipsters,
put your sourdough where yourG mouth is and enter. l
RE
G^
D
IX
O
N
Live from the Masterton A&P Show: a stunning sculptural
entry.A fruitless call
for a stewardwas made.
“My herbs have
been nobbled,”shouted the
bad loser.MICHELE
HEWITSON