152 THE CREATIVE INVESTMENT TEAM
- Speak directly to another person. Instead of saying, “John
seems to be angry,” speak directly to him: “John, you seem
to be angry.” - Any person may “pass.” If anyone is uncomfortable with an
exercise or topic, he has the right not to participate. This
needs to be honored by group leaders as well as group mem-
bers. - Be aware of feelings. Try to express them because avoidance
of feelings is so ingrained in our culture. Encourage feeling
statements like “I feel happy.” (Rather than, “I’m okay.” The
word “okay” is not a feeling.) - Be here now. Emphasize the present.
- Use “I” statements. Rather than using the editorial “we” or
“you,” speak for yourself: “I feel confident.”
Twelve-step groups follow similar guidelines, with one notable
exception: They prohibit cross-talk. That is, when one person is
speaking, all others just listen, without giving feedback either during
or after the comments. This practice helps to create safety in the
group by eliminating even the possibility of judgment. (In fact, I’ve
been in meetings where even body language was discouraged:
nodding, frowning, and so on.) Most people who attend 12-step-
style meetings love this aspect of the experience, because they get
to tell their story without being judged. The more common expe-
rience, especially with men, is that we tell our story and then get
deluged with advice like the losing football coach on the sidelines.
The contrast in 12-step groups feels almost sacred: a roomful of
people listening without formulating responses or designing fixes
for you.
Another reason why 12-step meetings prohibit cross-talk is
because they are leaderless meetings. If controversy or conflict arose
in the process of giving feedback, no one would be authorized to
step in and facilitate a resolution.
If you want to experiment with how difficult it is for groups
simply to listen and not give advice, try an exercise called an “In-
quiry Circle.” It’s really very simple. One person with an issue sits14-25 ware 152 1/19/01, 1:14 PM