NEWSWEEK.COM 13
Telling a ˽nancial
lie to your romantic
partner doesn’t
automatically
make you a dirty,
rotten cheater.is whatever you are hiding doing real
harm to your finances?
Shame over seriously mismanaging
money or otherwise being in financial
trouble is one reason some spouses
keep financial secrets, says Baltimore
certified financial planner Brent
Weiss, co-founder of the online finan-
cial planning service Facet Wealth.
He remembers a young newlywed
couple who walked into his office with
a big problem: It was only after their
wedding that one spouse learned the
other owed about $100,000 in student
loan and credit card debt.
“They weren’t trying to be malicious,”
says Weiss. “There are a lot of insecu-
rities around money, and people are
embarrassed about not understand-
ing finances or being in control.”
Another reason is sloppiness or not
having a shared financial vision for
your relationship. Couples who don’t
have a financial plan are more likely to
professor Kristy Archuleta, is more
important than the role itself as long
as you’re both clued in to the plan.GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT
Sometimes, however, lying about
money can be a symptom of more
serious problems in a relationship.
That’s especially true if one partner is
using money as a way to control and
exert power over the other. Finan-
cial abuse is very different than the
occasional white lie about how much
something cost, and has been found
to occur in 99 percent of domestic
violence cases. If you feel that your
partner is controlling the money in
order to control you, reach out to a
trusted friend or a domestic violence
organization for help.
But what if this is more of a case of
your own secret spending as a result
of feeling unseen or your needs going
unmet? Are you going on shopping
sprees or opening a new credit card as
a way to reclaim some authority in the
relationship or elsewhere in your life?
If so, providing help isn’t a job for a
financial planner. A licensed marriage
counselor may be better able to assist.
What’s critical to keep in mind in
all of these cases is that a financial lie,
even a biggie, isn’t necessarily a death
knell for a relationship. In the case of
Weiss’s clients, for example, though
the blindsided partner was shocked,
that spouse’s response was compas-
sionate, and with Weiss’s help, the
couple was able to alter their financial
plan and work through the problem.
A lie, even one about a challenging
subject like money, should be the start
of a conversation, not the end of it.Ơ Taylor Tepper is a senior writer at
Wirecutter Money and a former staff
writer at Money magazine. His work
has additionally been published in
Fortune, NPR and Bloomberg.keep a financial secret than those who
have a structured budget, Weiss con-
tends. The solution, he adds, is simple
but rarely easy: Start a conversation.
Getting the nerve to even bring up
the subject of money can be hard—
the subject is often viewed as more
taboo than talking about sex—so
start by taking down your self-con-
sciousness with a deep breath and
reassuring yourself with the mantra
that you’re not alone and your situa-
tion is probably normal.
When you do talk with your spouse,
whether to reveal an “infidelity” or
simply to get on the same page about
your spending styles, remember your
partner has his or her own barriers
and insecurities, so try to be under-
standing if defensiveness crops up.
Start small—and don’t raise the
subject on Valentine’s Day or any
other Hallmark holiday or special
occasion. Instead, arrange a monthly
“money date” when you check in with
each other to see if you’re spending
within your means and saving what
you should for retirement and other
goals and responsibilities, such as
caring for kids, parents or pets. You
needn’t fix everything at once.
Not only will you come to an
agreement on the future, but you’ll
naturally establish money manage-
ment roles that may bring you more
happiness. Satisfaction with your role,
says University of Georgia associate