The Atlantic - 04.2020

(Sean Pound) #1
7

COMMONS


DISCUSSION
&
DEBATE

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traumatize girls (and other
boys) for decades, sometimes for
life. So I reject that “boys will
be boys” perspective. As to my
sample, in the fi rst paragraphs
of the article I wrote that the
reporting for the book from
which it was adapted encom-
passed young men of diff erent
ethnicities, sexual orientations,
gender identities, and interests.
Most were not athletes.
As Daniel Maloney indi-
cates, young men are generally
not victims. Th ey are, however,
individuals being raised in
a gendered system that can
under mine well-being and
skew relationships. All-male
environments can reinforce
stereo types and disconnection,
or they can be crucibles of
change; that choice rests with
community leaders.

the school band, she might have
opened a window to a very dif-
ferent landscape.


Harold G. Knutson
Chicago, Ill.

While Orenstein brings up
some good points, the fact that
her sense of humor, life experi-
ences, and perspective diff er so
much from those of a teenage
boy means that she is often see-
ing male culture from a female
cultural perspective. As a teacher
of teenage boys, I don’t think that
teenagers making off ensive jokes,
testing boundaries, or joking
around with one another is nec-
essarily as ominous as she says.


Mary Vansuch
St. Louis, Mo.

I am an English teacher at an all-
boys private school outside Balti-
more. Peggy Orenstein’s incisive,
observational piece struck me so
much that I assigned it to my
60 senior students. Th e discus-
sion that followed was one of the
most rewarding and interesting
of my teaching career.
Many of my students held
a belief that when adults talked
about boys’ lack of vulnerability,
they were actually suggesting a
lack of emotional complexity.
Of course, we adults understand
that external vulnerability and
internal complexity are diff er-
ent, but it seems urgent that this
nuance be properly expressed to
boys so as to enable more pro-
ductive conversation.


Students largely agreed with
the observation that they do not
speak out against peers engaging
in demeaning speech. “No one
changes when someone just tells
them they’re wrong,” one student
said. Perhaps adults need to show
that minds can be changed, and
that such changes are something
to celebrate.
Finally, young men are in
desperate need of role models.
“I know there are bad forms of
masculinity,” one of my bright-
est students said, “but I’m kind
of at a loss for what a good ver-
sion looks like.”
I do not want to make the
frankly ridiculous conservative
claim that “young men are the
victims,” but I did walk away
from these conversations feel-
ing deeply sorry for these boys.
We’re leaving them dangerously
immature and unprepared for
adult life. Boys understand
themselves—good, bad, and
ugly—a little more than we give

them credit for, and that knowl-
edge concerns them. It should
not only concern us—the adults
around them—it should impel
an immediate change in our
actions and attitudes.
Daniel Maloney
Baltimore, Md.

Peggy Orenstein
Replies:
Let’s say, for the sake of argu-
ment, that Harold G. Knutson
is correct that many guys will
“age out of ” the behaviors I
describe (although given the
scope of sexual misconduct
exposed by the #MeToo move-
ment, and the higher rates of
substance abuse, loneliness,
and suicide among adult
men as compared with adult
women, it’s clear that far too
many will not). I would still
ask: At what cost, and to
whom? Th e harm that those
boys who grow out of it infl ict
along their learning curve can

Q



  • &

    • A




Th e December 1976 issue of Th e Atlantic included the fi rst
published short story by a young writer named Tobias Wolff.
It was called “Smokers,” and took place at a boarding school
where “the one category in the yearbook to which everyone
aspired was ‘Most Sarcastic.’ ” Recently, a reader wrote to us
with a question about the story.

Q I loved the story “Smokers.” But it seems there is
an error in the sentence “You get sarced out all

the time”; I couldn’t fi nd a defi nition of sarced anywhere.
Could you please help me understand what the author
wanted to say? It might just be that I don’t know the
word, as I am not a native English speaker.
— Lilia Festa-Zaripova, Prague, Czech Republic

A Sarced out—pronounced “sarked”—was an expres-
sion used in my school for our competitive habit of put-
ting one another down with sarcasm, especially if one of
us said something innocent or unguardedly emotional
or openhearted. I wish I hadn’t included it in the story,
as it’s caused more confusion than just about any other
line I’ve ever written. — Tobias Wolff
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