Newsweek - USA (2020-05-22)

“W e have to learn

to listen without

immediately rushing

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BOOKS

Horizons PARENTING

36 NEWSWEEK.COM

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MAY 22, 2020

Every school year would begin with

a grim sense of inevitability—that

sixth, seventh, and eighth graders

were destined to be mean; that mid-

dle school sucks, sucked, and would

always suck—and that there was

nothing anyone could do about it. But

I was struck by the way that parents

who formerly had not been willing to

accept anything for their kids without

a fight—not chocolate milk in the caf-

eteria, not a camp bunk assignment,

nor even rules to limit cell phone use

at school—seemed willing to throw

up their hands and embrace the idea

that the middle school years were

fated to be horrible. I was even more

surprised by the extent to which, at

times, they seemed to turn into mid-

dle schoolers themselves. Gossiping,

watching with anxious vigilance as the

kids’ dramas took off...and then taking

sides. Using labels like “mean girls” or

“problem boys,” “players” or “sluts,”

micromanaging their kids’ social lives

Start With the Parents
middle school should come with a
trigger warning for parents. We all
know it can be a psychologically
treacherous time for kids. It’s the
point when old friendships abruptly
end, new alliances form, and every-
one is subjected to a brutal process of
“sorting,” as I once heard the psychol-
ogist and author Michael Thompson
say, which arranges kids into unforgiv-
ing hierarchies based on looks, wealth,
athleticism and that ever mysterious
ingredient that in my day was called
“cool.” A sixth-grade teacher I inter-
viewed referred to it as “social power.”
We all want to shepherd our kids
though this phase of life with as little
emotional damage as possible. What
we don’t realize, though, is how at risk
we ourselves are of being knocked off
course by the overwhelming powers
of our own worry and concern.
I came to that realization when my
daughter (I have two, but for the sake

of privacy, I’ve merged them into one

here) was in middle school, the period

of years which I—like many other

parents—found the most difficult of

my whole parenting life. The reason

wasn’t that, as stereotype would have

it, my daughter was particularly chal-

lenging. It was more that seeing her go

through a phase I recalled as extraor-

dinarily painful was, as a mother I

later interviewed put it, “like death by

a thousand cuts.” And while we never

discussed it directly, I had a very clear

sense that other parents, too, were

dealing with a lot of unpleasantness

that was being triggered by their kids’

middle school passage.

Q&A:

Judith

Warner

BY MEREDITH

WOLF SCHIZER

Why this book?

To find answers to questions

that kept running through my

mind while my daughters were

in middle school: Why is this

phase of life so incredibly hard—

for parents? Why is everyone

(parents again) looking so

unhappy and acting so weird?

Why does it hurt me so much

when my daughters have a hard

time with friends? Is my emotion

getting in the way of my helping

them? What could I do different-

ly or better? And why is no one

talking about any of this?

What is your single most

important piece of advice for

parents about how to advise

their children who are subject

to middle school nastiness?

Acknowledge their pain without

amplifying it. Listen closely and

non-judgmentally. Ask open-end-

ed questions that give them the

opportunity to say what they need

to say and think things through.

Offer light suggestions, not edicts,

drawing upon your mature, adult,

thinking brain. And then ask them

what they need and what they want

to do and steer them in the direc-

tion of getting support at school.

You argue that when parents

get involved in middle school

drama, they tend to make

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parents step in?

Parents should try always to be

present for listening. I don’t mean

they have to be home right after

school, but when they are there,

they have to be as mentally and

emotionally available as possible.

They should empower their middle

schoolers to seek help from school

adults if necessary—whether a

homeroom teacher or an advisor

or a school counselor. If a child is

in danger or is in a situation that

is impacting their mental health,

it’s worth talking to the adults at

school and seeing how they can

help. But parents shouldn’t micro-

manage. And trying to “work things

out” with other parents just about

always backɿres.

What would you say are your

own parenting strengths?

Weaknesses?

I think that my greatest strength

as a parent has been my willing-

ness to question myself and try