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to further their popularity ambitions
or protect them from social pain.
I wondered: What was going on?
Same Old, Same Old?
it perhaps wasn’t that much of a
mystery. I knew that the mothers
and fathers around me were a pretty
anxious lot. And the mere thought of
middle school played into their worst
fears. By the time our kids were in sixth
grade, the Tina Fey movie Mean Girls
was already a slumber party cult classic.
Terms such as “queen bees” and “alpha
boys” had come, in many if not most
of our minds, to define the middle
school experience. And as the iPhone
appeared, and all the varied forms of
social media proliferated, the sense
deepened that whatever loathsome
behavior we might have remembered
from our own junior high years was
now far worse—more public, some-
how “more degrading,” as one middle
school mother, whose own memories
of early adolescence in the mid-1970s
seemed straight out of Fast Times at
Ridgemont (Junior) High, put it to me.
Yet I discovered, watching my
daughter and her classmates, that mid-
dle schoolers were about the same as
when I was growing up. They made
one another miserable with the same
friendship machinations and in- and
out-group maneuvering. The technol-
ogy at their disposal had changed, but
they were putting it to pretty much all
the same uses as junior high schoolers
had back in the analog days of land-
lines and notes passed hand-to-hand
in class. They made screen shots of
cruel texts to “help” their friends see
who liked or hated them; we had the
horrible practice of calling a friend
and tricking them into bashing
another friend who was listening in
on another extension. They created
anonymous posts and sent untrace-
able emails; we passed around “slam
books” to express our unsigned cruelty.The one thing—one really big
thing—that had changed, and for the
worse, was the world of middle school
parenthood. Whereas, in my day, sixth
grade had marked a point where kids
started to have a great deal more free-
dom, in my daughter’s world, middle
school was a time when parents leaned
in even further. They “monitored” their
kids’ activities, both on- and offline,
and they straight-out meddled. Some-
times, in the course of “advocating” for
their kids, they engaged in what looked
a whole lot like classic “mean girl” (or
boy) behavior—ostracizing, bullying,
even physically fighting other par-
ents—sometimes with their kids on
the sidelines, begging them to cut it out.
Parents I’ve spoken with in recent
years have told stories that never cease
to amaze me: Adults decide who’s in
and who’s out for parties and even
carpools based on how cool the kids
will look on Facebook. (“There won’t
be enough room for a group pictureto change course if the way I’m
interacting with my daughters
is destructive. My willingness to
question myself can also be a great
weakness too, however, because it
can make it hard for me to stand my
ground. I also have a tendency to
become ʀooded with emotion very
quickly and to say things that I later
regret. That’s a terrible weakness.
Do you impose restrictions on
social media on your children?
What self-imposed restrictions
do you follow?
My children are grown now—20
and 23—so that ship has largely
sailed. I have, however, always
insisted on basic courtesy: if we’re
having a meal together, we stay off
our phones. Same for engaging
in a conversation or attending
an event, etc. Because I write,
and have to focus deeply for long
stretches in order to do it, I need to
be able to disconnect completely
from my phone and WiFi. I got in
the habit, when they were in high
school, of telling them when I was
doing so and when I’d be reach-
able, so that they’d know that I was
there for them—later—and if they
needed something immediate,
they should contact their dad. I
think that particular “restriction”
has been really healthy for all of us,
because it helps curb everyone’s
anxiety and encourages more
independent problem-solving.Do you have any favorite
podcasts?
The BBC Radio 4’s In Our Time
history podcast. My olderdaughter got me into it. Which
pretty much tells you everything
you need to know about what life
was like for her in middle school.What’s next for you?
I did some reporting over the
winter on the way that grass-
roots organizations have been
working to get more people
voting and participating in our
elections. I’m hoping to contin-
ue following these groups for
the remainder of this election
year, because I think they’re
having a huge impact. And I
have a new book idea that I’m
currently turning into a propos-
al. Completely different topic,
entirely focused on adults.
Fingers crossed that it works—
I really want to do it.and then they stopped
talking to me
(Crown, May) offers
suggestions to parents for
getting through the dreaded
middle school years.