W
henIselectedthese
games it was under the
loose banner of ‘chill’,
which makes me wonder why I
included this absurdly stressful gunk
wrangling sim. Two reasons: I already
know it’s great, and those fat, happy
slimes make the game look
completely harmless.
The benign cuteness leads me to
believe I can run a wholesome,
organic, slickly-organised operation.
It takes approximately 20 minutes for
me to realise not all of us were put on
this Earth to ranch. I overfill my first
corral with pink slimes and the sheer
volume means some keep popping
out of the top of their enclosure, like
pants in an overstuffed suitcase. And,
naturally, the first thing these ASBO
slimes do is eat all my chickens.
Chickens that, I admit, I foolishly
decided to keep next to my corrals. At
least I only have one thing to worry
about now. I attempt to cheer myself
upbydiversifying,addingtabby
slimes to my mix. Forgetting, of
course, that they eat meat and all my
chickens have already been devoured.
I try feeding the evil cat slimes
some of the pink ones but they’re
having none of it. And a few
fat-handed moments later I
accidentally feed a demon tabby the
wrong plort, creating some kind of
swollen, monstrous, faeces-devouring
chonka cat. Like Victor Frankenstein,
I take to my bed, praying the whole
thing has been some heinous dream.
Unlike Frankenstein, when I wake
up there are three more chonka cat
slimes, grinning at me. I’m left with
no other option: burn everything. I
purchase an incinerator and begin
The Cleansing. I flambé the slimes
until there’s nothing left to remind
me of my failure but the
smell of burnt fur. I’m sure
Slime Rancher is brilliant.
But chill it is not.CannibalismandchimerasinslimeRaNCheR
EXPECttOPaY
£15DEvElOPEr
Monomi ParkPublishEr
Monomi ParkNeedtoKNowIn awe at the size of this lad,
absolute unit, etc...Yeah,theylookcutenow.Justdon’t
feedthemaftermidnight,orever.rEviEW
OOze next
82
T
hismightseemlikeanoddfit
beside the more sedate gameson
this page. But there’s something
amazingly zen about Championship
Edition DX. It feels incredibleto
round a corner perfectly or expertly
arrange a line of munchable ghosts.
Anyone who feels miserableabout
themselves should play this, because
it’s impossible to feel bad whenyou
do. It also reminds me how skewed
my expectations of ‘cool’ are: keep
your multiple belts and your
takedowns and your angry white
male protagonist mourning hisdead
wife, games. My heart
belongs to a puck eating dots
in a luminous dungeon.
PaC-maN
ChamPioNshiPed.dX
88
I
sTheRoomrelaxing? Sort of. It’s
similar to how I imagine the box
in Hellraiser is a pleasant distraction
before Pinhead appears and pops
hooks into you. But a sense of
pan-dimensional terror can’t deter
me from The Room’s sliding panels
and doodads. It’s a strange one to go
back to. I expected to remember
every solution, but apparently not –
that knowledge is stored in the same
locked brain-drawer as old postcodes
and how to do long division. But this
is one occasion where having a mind
like a pasta strainer is helpful,
because I get to enjoy all three games
as if I’m playing them again forthe
first time. Who cares if I’m
cursing myself? Nobody
flipping this switch.theRoom
79
T
hisismorelikeit.TheLion’s
Songisthegamingequivalentof
drinkingamelangecoffeeina
Viennesecafewhilewatching
someoneelse’sdategodeliciously
wrong.But,inaniceway.It’ssimple,
heartfelt,andunusual–perfectifyou
want tostareatdigitisedmountains
whileyouthinkaboutotherpeople’s
emotions.Alsoitscoresfiveextra
pointsforhavingnopinkslimes,and
anotherthreebecausethefirst
episodemakesabald,beardy
strangerseemlikean
aspirationalloveinterest.thelioN’ssoNg
77
You can almost taste
the anticipation here.Nothing that opens like
that can ever be good.It’s like a Stella Artois advert on a
ZX Spectrum. That’s a compliment.