DETAILS − LISTCompiled by George ChestertonThe race to replace Jeremy Corbyn is entering its final furlong. That means you’ll get to
enjoy the candidates’ speechifying across the news cycle! Every. Single. Day. Here are
the clichés that will be grinding your gears the most ahead of the result on 4 April...The Labour leadershipANNOYANCE GUIDEBoasting
about how
working class
they are.
If they were
really working
class, they
wouldn’t be
standing for
leadership of
the Labour
Party.2
Admitting they took
drugs when they
were students.
Nobody cares if they
smoked something
in Amsterdam.
And nobody cares
if they didn’t, either.3
Defending Corbyn
No1: “Jeremy inspired
300,000 people to
join the Labour Party.”
Perhaps, but does
Labour really want to
be the sloppy seconds
of the Socialist Workers
Party and the Stop
The War Coalition?4
“Labour will take
action to tackle anti-
Semitism in the party...”
...with an exciting new
intake of MPs and party
officials who have
records of anti-Semitism.You can’t, because you
lost. That’s why you
need to win. Jesus.Defending Corbyn
No3: “Jeremy was
attacked by the
media more than
any other politician
in history.”
Not unfairly.Insisting it would be a shame if
the new leader is not a woman.
True, but not if they are all unelectable.
(OK, Lisa Nandy is pretty good.)6
However, also saying:
“We should be proud of
Labour’s achievements
under Tony Blair.”
Make your mind up.5
Saying: “Tony Blair’s three
victories don’t count
because he wasn’t a proper
socialist.” This is reason #173
why Labour is unelectable.7
Defending Corbyn No2:
“He smashed the post-war
consensus.” No. Thatcher
did that for the other team in- Also, Corbyn lost. Twice.
RichardBurgon.2017“ We will defend
ou r N H S.”Rating Jeremy Corbyn
out of ten. This is a totally
pointless exercise, even if
the answer is zero.8911“ Labour
won’t win
anything by
lurching to
the right.”
Labour
didn’t win
anything by
lurching to
the left.1012“ Labour will always believe
in comprehensive education.”
Except for the children of
Labour MPs.13
Maintaining that Len McCluskey
has an important role to play in
the leadership contest. Dominic
Cummings may stop laughing
by 2021. May stop laughing.15
Hating on
Tory voters.
Hate really
isn’t a great look.16
Claiming that “our policies
were popular on the doorstep”.
Allow us to refer you to the
general election. And even if they
were, doesn’t that make it worse?14
Defending Corbyn No4:
“Labour’s share of the vote
in the 2017 general election
was the largest since 1945.”
Two words: Theresa May.18
Saying they
would stand up
to Donald Trump.
They’ll never
get the chance.19
Defending Corbyn No5:
“Jeremy’s legacy will
last for generations.”
Translation: Labour
will be out of power
for generations.PhotographsGetty Images; Shutterstock04-20DetailsList_3458010.indd 80 07/02/2020 20:47
68 GQ.CO.UK APRIL 2020