10 ST THE NEW YORK TIMES, SUNDAY, JUNE 28, 2020Vows
Before Shanee Markovitz agreed to be Na-
thaniel Kay’s girlfriend in 2014, she laid
down her ground rules.
“When he asked, I gave him two pieces of
feedback,” said Ms. Markovitz, then 14.
“First I told him to stop shaking, because he
was nervous. And then I told him, I will say
yes, but I want you to know there will be no
breaks. I don’t want you to have the impres-
sion that, just because we’re young, this will
be an on-and-off thing.”
Mr. Kay, who had worked up the nerve to
pop the girlfriend-boyfriend question at the
bar mitzvah of Ms. Markovitz’s younger
brother, Ziv Markovitz, agreed on the spot.
In the six years they have been together
since, Ms. Markovitz’s tendency to speak
her mind has intensified. It was evident last
year when the couple had a party to cele-
brate the signing of their prenuptial agree-
ment.
Ms. Markovitz, 21, and Mr. Kay, 22, are
Modern Orthodox Jews. They met as high
school sophomores at Katz Yeshiva High
School of South Florida, in Boca Raton. A
friend told Ms. Markovitz she should keep
an eye out for Mr. Kay before they found
their way to the same geometry classroom.
“Before school started that year, a friend
reached out and said, ‘I met your future hus-
band,’ ” she said. “He wasn’t even messing
around. He was a friend who knew me re-
ally well, and he really believed Tani and I
would end up getting married.”
At Katz Yeshiva, a private Modern Ortho-
dox school, such a union wouldn’t have been
unheard-of. “The whole school was in-
volved in our relationship the entire time we
were there, that’s just the kind of school it
was,” Ms. Markovitz said.
Family members were supportive as
well. Ms. Markovitz’s mother, Sharon
Markovitz, invited Mr. Kay to Ziv’s bar mitz-
vah after Ms. Markovitz mentioned she had
a crush on him. And in 2015, when both were
deciding on colleges, it was Mr. Kay’s
mother, Sharona Kay, who reassured Ms.
Markovitz that the decision to earn degrees
in separate states — Ms. Markovitz at Ye-
shiva University in New York and Mr. Kay
at Washington University in St. Louis —
wouldn’t rupture their relationship.
“Tani’s mom pulled me out of class one
day,” Ms. Markovitz said; Mrs. Kay is a
Holocaust studies teacher and administra-
tor at Katz Yeshiva. “She said, ‘If Tani goes
to Washington University, there’s such a
small Jewish community there that we’re
basically signing your marriage document
for you.’ ” Fewer opportunities to meet
other Modern Orthodox girls meant fewer
opportunities to find a new girlfriend and
potential wife, as intermarriage is a vio-
lation of religious law.
But in 2016, when Ms. Markovitz and Mr.
Kay graduated high school, neither was es-
pecially worried that new horizons would
mean leaving each other behind. “Nothing
was set in stone, and there wasn’t a pro-
posal, but we talked explicitly about getting
married before we left high school,” Ms.
Markovitz said.
Ms. Markovitz was born in Israel and
moved to Hollywood, Fla., as a toddler with
her parents, Sharon, a baker, and Ila
Markovitz, who works in real estate and
construction. In addition to Ziv, she has a
younger sister, Noa. Mr. Kay grew up in
nearby Boca Raton with his mother and his
father, Dr. David Kay, a pediatric surgeon,
and younger brothers, Ty and Zevi.
Ms. Markovitz graduated virtually from
Yeshiva University with a political science
degree in June and is working as the direc-
tor of development at H. F. Epstein Hebrew
Academy in St. Louis. Mr. Kay expects to
graduate from Washington University with
a degree in systems engineering and fi-
nance in 2021, then enroll in a master’s pro-
gram in systems engineering. The couple
hope to leave St. Louis in 2022, when Ms.
Markovitz will begin studying for a law de-
gree at Harvard; she was accepted this
spring and deferred.
The encouragement from their families
to find a partner and marry young is typical
in Orthodox families, both said. But if the
love affair that led them to marriage was
wrinkle-free — throughout a gap year in Is-
rael for both and then four years of college,
they were faithful to each other — their lives
post high school and pre-engagement were
much less so.
In July 2016, when Ms. Markovitz was 17,
her mother committed suicide. “It was in-
credibly difficult,” Mr. Kay said. For Ms.
Markovitz, the difficulty was compounded
by silence.
“As you get into tighter religious commu-
nities, and not just Jewish communities, we
speak about things that are uncomfortable
less and less,” Ms. Markovitz said. “Things
get hush-hush.”
She decided that needed to change. A few
months after her mother’s death, Ms.
Markovitz wrote a Facebook post about her
suicide that went viral. Soon after, she was
speaking publicly and writing articles on
the importance of lifting stigmas surround-
ing mental health. It was a role she took on
less than wholeheartedly.
“It’s not like I woke up one day and said,
‘I’m going to be a public speaker,’ ” she said.
“It’s not something I enjoy doing. But I do
think it’s a necessary thing to talk about.”Supporting her emotionally throughout
was Mr. Kay. “When my mom passed, Tani
helped us through everything,” said Noa
Markovitz, 19, who lives in Israel and is pre-
paring to enter the army there. “It was hard
on everybody, but he was there for her ev-
ery second.” By then, their roles within the
relationship had been cemented. “They
complement each other so well,” Noa said.
“Shanee’s the more dominant one. Tani’s
more the lovey, huggy one.”
He is also romantic. When Ms. Markovitz
and Mr. Kay decided, with their families,
that they would announce their engage-
ment at Zevi Kay’s bar mitzvah in Boca Ra-
ton on May 26, 2019, Mr. Kay wanted a pri-
vate moment with Ms. Markovitz, too. The
night before the bar mitzvah, he arranged a
scavenger hunt around the local places that
gave their romance liftoff. At the end, he
was on one knee. “I had rose petals and
champagne and the whole thing,” he said.
She said yes.
The following night, at the end of the bar
mitzvah, Mr. Kay told his brothers he
wanted to give them something they didn’t
already have: a sister. When the party
caught on that the couple was announcing
their engagement, “everyone was in tears,”
Ms. Markovitz said.
Before they could start planning what
they hoped would be a May 2020 wedding
for more than 400, they decided they
needed a prenuptial agreement. In Jewish
law, in order to dissolve a marriage, a docu-ment called a “get” is delivered by the hus-
band to the wife. Both parties must partici-
pate in its delivery and acceptance.
Having what’s known as a halachic
prenup creates incentive, according to its
supporters. The recalcitrant party can ei-
ther cooperate with the divorce proceed-
ings or pay financial support while they’re
still legally married.
Ms. Markovitz first started thinking seri-
ously about a religious prenup during her
gap year in Israel. “There’s an organization
that goes around educating people about
halachic prenups, and I’m very interested
in the law and in social justice, so it hit all the
right spots for me,” she said. She later be-
come a fellow at that nonprofit Organization
for the Resolution of Argunot. Its goal is to
eliminate abuse from the Jewish divorce
process, mostly of women.
In December 2019, Ms. Markovitz and Mr.
Kay signed their prenup at the organiza-
tion’s offices in New York and, later that day,
had a party that they shared on social me-
dia. “We just thought a celebration was a
creative way to show that we really support
the process and the organization,” Ms.
Markovitz said. News outlets took notice.
So did strangers on the internet. “A lot of
people reached out to me with questions,”
she said. “We heard a lot of words of encour-
agement.”
In 2019, the Rabbinical Council of Amer-
ica found that 84 percent of Modern Ortho-
dox rabbis in the United States require cou-
ples to sign a religious prenup before they
will officiate a wedding. However, in the ul-
tra-Orthodox community, according to
Mark Dratch, the executive vice president
of the Rabbinical Council of America, many
Jewish authorities feel it creates coercion.
Some are uncomfortable raising the issue of
divorce at the time of marriage.
While the prenup celebration gave Ms.
Markovitz and Mr. Kay a sense of momen-
tum leading to the wedding they were plan-
ning in Pearl River, N.Y., the coronavirus
caused them to pump the brakes. In March,
they decided on a smaller celebration with
social distancing in Palm Beach. They le-
gally married on March 6 in a Broward
County courtroom.
“The civil ceremony wasn’t the part that
mattered to us,” Mr. Kay said. That would
explain the elaborately planned religious
wedding, with 60 guests led by Eli Zians, a
rabbi at Boca Raton Synagogue, that took
place June 15 at the Colony Hotel in Palm
Beach.
Livestream video followed Ms.
Markovitz, in a cap-sleeve lace dress from
the Palm Beach boutique the White Magno-
lia, and Mr. Kay, in a black tuxedo with a
white yarmulke, through a ceremony fea-
turing a series of Orthodox prewedding tra-
ditions. The tish tradition involved Mr. Kay
and witnesses signing the ketubah, or tradi-
tional marriage contract. The badekin fol-
lowed with Mr. Kay placing a veil over Ms.
Markovitz’s head, a reference to the biblical
story of Jacob and Leah.
After those rituals, the couple, with their
families and Rabbi Zians, met under an out-
door huppah adorned with cascading red,
pink and white flowers. Guests, most wear-
ing masks, sat on a sprawling green lawn.
Ms. Markovitz first circled Mr. Kay seven
times in a traditional show of dedication.
Rabbi Zians then blessed them twice, once
with wine, before Mr. Kay placed a ring on
Ms. Markovitz’s finger and said, in Hebrew,
“By this ring you are consecrated to me.” Af-
ter those words, they were considered reli-
giously married. But their time under the
huppah wasn’t finished yet. After several
more blessings, Mrs. Kay and Mr.
Markovitz took turns at the microphone.
“Shanee is the daughter I never had,”
Mrs. Kay said.
Mr. Markovitz, after praising his new son-
in-law’s easygoing nature, offered him
some advice. “I recommend you should al-
ways insist on having the last word in an ar-
gument with Shanee,” he said. Those
words? “Yes, dear.” Minutes later, when Mr.
Kay stomped on a glass, signaling the end of
the ceremony, cheers of “Mazel Tov!”
erupted amid the swaying palm trees.In Geometry Class, Making a Line for Each Other
PHOTOGRAPHS BY SCOTT McINTYRE FOR THE NEW YORK TIMESSHANEE MARKOVITZ and NATHANIEL KAY
Setting out some clear
ground rules as a high
school sophomore.
ON THIS DAYWhenJune 15, 2020
...........................................................
WhereThe Colony Hotel, Palm
Beach, Fla.
...........................................................
Mirror, MirrorFor the
reception, Mr. Kay changed out
of his tuxedo and into a suit
from Opposuits, called the
Discoballer, which is made of
mirror patches. The
groomsmen wore similar attire
for the reception, wearing disco
party shirts bought from
Amazon.
...........................................................
Alone Together Just after the
ceremony, Ms. Markovitz and
Mr. Kay were danced out of the
huppah by their attendants and
ushered into a yichud room,
where bride and groom
traditionally spend the first few
minutes of their marriage.
...........................................................
Double Celebration Ms.
Markovitz graduated virtually
from Yeshiva University the day
before her wedding. She and
Mr. Kay celebrated both events
during a “minimoon” at a South
Florida hotel.By TAMMY La GORCEShanee Markovitz and Nathaniel Kay before, top, and after, above, their June 15 wedding. Years
ago, a very young matchmaker picked out Mr. Kay as Ms. Markovitz’s future husband.The coronavirus or not, one thing is certain:
People will find each other, they will fall in
love, and somehow, they will say their vows.
“Love is going to survive this,” said Kate
Edmonds, a wedding and event planner in
New York. “I don’t think it’s emotionally
sound to keep postponing weddings. There
needs to be something to celebrate.”
And celebrate they will. It just may take
some finessing and extra planning.
According to a May survey by The Knot,
66 percent of 6,253 respondents across
eight countries are rescheduling to a later
date. Of these, 40 percent are postponing to
later in 2020, 52 percent to 2021 and 8 per-
cent aren’t sure of their new date. (The
study was conducted among users of the
Knot’s brands, including WeddingWire, Bo-
das and Hitched.)
But how people marry will evolve, and
many of the adjustments that we’ve seen
over the last few months are here to stay.
Kristen Maxwell, The Knot’s editor in chief,
expects 2021 to have a greater focus on
health and safety. Masks and gloves will be-
come de rigueur, as will hand-sanitizing sta-
tions (and sanitizers as party favors), nu-
merous dance areas and bars, several
smaller celebrations, and the rise of the
“minimony,” or microceremony. There will
be more room for standing, socially dis-
tance seating, and a “gesture” line rather
than a receiving line, where guests wave or
nod instead of hug or kiss.
“With a longing to connect more with
friends and family following months of sep-
aration, we anticipate couples looking for
more ways to involve their closest friends
and family members into their weddings,”Ms. Maxwell said. “Whether inviting guests
to join in on the ceremony vows or sharing
favorite memories of each guest in a unique
seating arrangement display, we won’t be
surprised to see guest interaction and the
honoring of loved ones increase in the near
future at weddings.”
There probably won’t be many celebra-
tions rivaling the Metropolitan Museum
Costume Gala for the foreseeable future. No
dance floors packed with guests jamming to
“Rock Lobster.” No three-day destination
weddings with endless booze and a luau. In-
stead, social distancing will be the two most
popular words (besides “I do.”)
What else can you expect from wedding
celebrations next year? Here are some ex-
pert predictions.Virtual ‘I Dos’
Livestreaming is here to stay, whether it’s
via Zoom, Facebook Live or FaceTime. And
why not? It’s cheaper and more accessible
to a worldwide audience.
Depending on where you live, the cere-
mony itself might be done virtually, which is
legal in certain states. In New York, for ex-
ample, some officiants can legally perform
a binding ceremony via video. (Hawaii, onthe other hand, doesn’t recognize mar-
riages conducted by video between a couple
and an officiant.) But couples might choose
to go with a video ceremony that’s not le-
gally binding, and then do the official serv-
ice at a later date.
“This is the way to go for couples who
chose a specific date that had a lot of signifi-
cance to them — an anniversary, for exam-
ple — or those who may not have been plan-
ning something elaborate to start with and
didn’t feel compelled to postpone their nup-
tials in favor of an in-person wedding,” said
Lindsay Landman, a wedding planner in
New York.
Keep in mind, these won’t be homemade
videos. Rather, videographers and photog-
raphers will expand their repertoire to in-
clude livestreaming services.
“While some couples have tried to Face-
Time or use their mobile phone apps, these
are not 100 percent reliable,” said Tori
Rogers, the owner of Hawaii Weddings by
Tori Rogers. “In addition, they tend to pick
up the ambient sound and not the officiant
or couple speaking. When professionally
done, the couple and the officiant are miced
up so that they can be heard over the waves,Future of Weddings: Less Kissing and More Purell
FIELD NOTES
CECI BOWMANCelebrations
will go on, but
they’ll require
extra planning.
By ABBY ELLINCONTINUED ON PAGE 11