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July 2020 | REDONLINE.CO.UKI
love going to weddings. Indian weddings are
famously known to last for days, with various
ceremonies and generations-old rituals mixed
with modern Instagrammable moments and,
of course, multiple outfits. Seeing everyone
dressed in their best, the colours, the hair and
make-up, the celebration of love, the coming
together of families, and then there’s the food.
It all brings me much joy. These are big-ticket events
and, although my parents never pressured me to get
married, my dad once told me he had put most of his
life savings into wedding funds for his children. For
him, our weddings and marriages would allow him
to show his community that he had parented well.
Yet, as a teenager, I had decided marriage wasn’t for
me. I was straddling two cultures: that of my parents
and that of London, where we lived. One felt restrictive,
the other was liberal, multicultural and full of realities
different from what was expected of me as an Indian
woman. I spent my teenage years clashing with my
dad, fighting against ‘his’ culture, dreaming of when I
could move out and be financially independent of him.
When we’re young, it’s so easy to see our parents as
one-dimensional. I viewed my dad as a tyrant, stuck
in his ways, trying to preserve a culture within me
that had nothing to do with me. The expectation of
getting married fell into that complex tangle of cultural
norms I was rebelling against. I had firmly decided
that if and when I decided to settle down, I wanted
my love to mean something without the need for
a contract or the spectacle of a blowout wedding.
By the time I reached 30, however, I came to
understand that what I saw as a culture separate to me
was very much part of me. I began to learn how to
navigate my identity as a second-generation immigrant
and to see my parents as human beings trying to do the same. I still felt the same about marriage, but
I started to bring empathy into my relationship with them. It was healing and growing into a loving,
mutually respectful bond. This, however, was put to the test when, at 30, I found out I was pregnant.
It was unplanned and my long-term partner and I decided to keep the baby. I knew it would turn
my dad’s world upside down, but I found myself unable to let that pressure dictate what I chose to
do with my body and life. I was resolute in my decision to remain unmarried.
Roshni Goyate never thought
marriage was for her. But when
she realised the significance it held
for her parents, she eventually
found a way to make it work for
both of them. No rings. No confetti.
Just a whole lot of loveThe wedding
I didn’t
want to have