6 1GT Monday July 20 2020 | the times

life

Q

NN

QQQ

I am a 76-year-old

gay man who has

come to terms with

his sexuality, but feels

unaccepted by the gay

community, which

I have tried to look to for support.

I grew up at a time when the word

“gay” only applied to people who

were happy. I followed the norm

and started dating women. I seemed

to have no difficulty in attracting

girlfriends, but when pressed

to get sexual, I opted out of the

relationship.

I had no gay icons to relate to

until I viewed the first gay kiss on

EastEnders on TV and the lightbulb

went on and I realised that I was gay.

In my younger days I’d had little

opportunity to get involved in gay

culture and there was also the

concern that gay behaviour where

I was living was still illegal.

When I moved to another city

I started to explore the gay clubbing

scene. At the time I threw myself into

this (my “alternative teenage years”),

but I was by now in my forties and

soon realised that I was past my sell-

by date. I could attract men because I

still looked relatively young, but this,

alas, was only for sex. Some I dated

quite seriously until I told them my

age. They finished the relationship.

I gave up going to gay bars and

clubs, but continued to join gay

societies in the hope of at least

building up a friendship group of

supportive gay friends. However,

I have found this difficult because I

appear to be viewed with suspicion,

maybe because of my age. I now find

myself as a gay man with a number

of very good straight friends who,

while they don’t really understand

the gay side of me, are very

supportive of me.

So I find myself in a sort of limbo.

There is a part of me missing. I have

seen gay acquaintances whom I have

loved move on and into permanent

relationships. There is still a strong

longing in me and I find myself

getting tearful when I see how easy

it is for today’s gay men to meet and

have a relationship. I am reminded

of how I have missed out. I consider

myself an easygoing, sociable guy,

but what now?

I can only see decline into old age

with the prospect of me having to

go back into “the closet” to fit into

an eventide home. Should I seek

counselling to help me to come to

terms with my situation, or should

I continue to find ways to find a gay

partner with whom to share my life?

Robert

A

NN

A

It’s never too late to

find love, so to answer

your final question, I

hope you will continue

to try to meet your

partner. However, I do

also think some counselling or therapy

might be helpful — not, as you put it,

to enable you to come to terms with

your situation (that sounds quite

defeatist), but more to look at how

your life as a gay man has been shaped

by the many challenges you faced.

Our life experiences shape us all, and

for people, like you, who cannot be

themselves without judgment and

prejudice, life’s journey can be painful,

brutal and, for some, traumatic. Many

men of your generation will have been

persecuted, arrested and brutalised

because of their sexuality. Some would

have “hidden” it, or, like you, never

truly understood themselves until

much later in life, having spent years

feeling different, out of place and

uncomfortable in their own skin.

Lots of men would have developed

mental health issues, such as anxiety

and depression, because of the stress

of hiding their sexuality and being

judged; many will have taken

their lives. This is not to say that

homophobia does not exist any more

— it does, and many gay men and

lesbians continue to suffer prejudice

and persecution. It was different when

you grew up, however, because being

openly gay was a significant risk and

gay role models were in short supply.

For you, being gay went from

being a slow realisation to, initially, a

shameful secret. Finding love would be

extremely difficult, relationships could

not be open. You were not able to “be”,

to live as a gay man who learnt about

love and relationships in the open and

accepted way your non-gay peers did.

Learning to have loving, intimate

relationships is a process that for most

starts in adolescence as puberty kick-

starts sexual drives. As we get older we

learn (via trial and error) about love

and relationships and develop our

dating and relationship skills. You

were denied these important learning

experiences during your formative

sexual years. Also, given your coming

out when older, you then joined

a community where you continued to

feel out of place, given your age.

Research studies highlight that gay

men are less likely to be partnered,

cohabiting or married than their peers

and gay men are more likely to live

alone. Research by Stonewall found

that 40 per cent of gay and bisexual

men over 55 were single compared

with just 15 per cent of heterosexual

men. This is borne out by similar

studies that show that, although

people of all sexualities start out

single, lesbians, bisexuals and

heterosexuals tend to go on to

find long-term partners, while

many gay men do not.

In the Stonewall report there

are many testimonies from

older gay men and lesbians that

reflect the challenges of social

integration and ageism that

you highlight. Many describe

feeling more “invisible” to the

gay community, with social

activities mostly catering

for younger gay people.

Opportunities to access

community groups set up

for older people are reported

to be very “heterosexual

family-orientated”.

Another factor for gay men

of your generation is that not

only was being out and gay

never an option, but the

I

t was surprising to spot

Madonna and her ex-husband

Guy Ritchie together at a gallery

in Chelsea last week. Well,

“together” may be pushing it.

They bumped into each other

— whether by design or not,

who knows? Either way, it was

heartening that they didn’t come to

blows. Their children Rocco, 19, and

David, who is 14 and adopted, were

there too, along with Madonna’s

adopted daughter, Mercy, also 14.

Madonna, 61, was with her

boyfriend, Ahlamalik Williams, 25;

Ritchie, 51, with his second wife, Jacqui

Ainsley, 38. History — or, rather, the

tabloids — doesn’t relate whether or

not the former couple actually spoke

to each other, but it makes sense to

hope, for all their sakes, that they

did and managed to be civil.

They have rarely been

photographed together since they

filed for divorce in 2008. (The pop

star reportedly paid the film director

a settlement of between £60 and

£73 million.) Four years ago they had

an unholy battle over custody of

Rocco, then 16. Still, you would hope

that by this time they could manage at

least a smile or a brief joke. Madonna

left after half an hour, and Ritchie was

said to have looked at first strained,

then relaxed, but we can only

speculate about their private thoughts.

Were Madonna to ask me —

unlikely, I know — I could give her

a few tips on hanging out with the ex.

There’s an art to it, an art that is worth

mastering for the sake of the children.

My marriage hit the buffers in

2008. My ex-husband and I separated
      in 2009. The divorce came through
      in 2010. For two years we went
      through our own “process”, a plain
      word that covers the whole gamut of
      sadness. We couldn’t reconcile our
      differing views and we suffered
      immeasurably. With hindsight, that
      time was the adult equivalent of a
      teenager’s necessary separation from
      his or her parents.
      Gwyneth Paltrow talked about her
      “conscious uncoupling” from Chris
      Martin and we all passed the collective
      sick bucket. Yet weirdly, although I
      think she is in large part talks a great
      deal of nonsense (albeit of the
      dizzying, money-spinning kind), I was
      rather with her on this one. Damage
      limitation can indeed be applied
      to divorce and its repercussions.
      Paltrow and Martin have been
      photographed on holiday with their
      children and new partners. A triumph,
      surely, and hats off to the lot of them.
      Of course, that level of success at
      uncoupling is out of reach to many,
      but not always impossible. Perhaps
      slightly more within reach is the kind
      of gesture that Justin Theroux went in

I’m a single gay man in my seventies —

is it too late to find a loving relationship?

long-term commitment issue was also

never on the table. Today’s younger

gay men enter the relationship arena

with marriage as an option, and this

will normalise and validate the choice

for same-sex commitment as part of

their relationship story. Furthermore,

the Aids epidemic meant that large

numbers of gay men died, which,

tragically, has further reduced the

numbers of gay men living as older

adults today.

Besides there being less opportunity

to meet people of your age who are

interested in long-term commitment,

I wonder also whether your challenge

comes from your confidence in terms

of making a long-term relationship.

You describe coming out as an older

man as hitting your “alternative

teenage years” in your forties, which

meant you began your sexual and

relationship journey later in life,

with less experience as well as less

opportunity. I wonder how that has

impacted on your relationship skills.

I am interested that you have many

good friends — you are a sociable man

and I suspect that’s because your sense

of self as a person has developed

normally and you feel at ease being

around others. The sexuality and

intimate relationship part of your

“self” that was developmentally

delayed is the part that you have

struggled with. Therapy could enable

you to look at this. Those with your

experience can internalise a sense of

shame and low self-esteem as well as

projecting an anxious eagerness in

developing relationships, which might

not be helpful.

It therefore might be a positive

experience for you to have the time

and understanding to process your

life journey as a gay man. To find a

therapist you could look at directories

of accredited practitioners, for

example at pinktherapy.com, which

has an online directory of therapists

of all sexualities and gender identities

who work with gender and sexual

diversity clients across the LGBTIQ

spectrum from a non-judgmental

standpoint. See also the British

Psychological Society

(bps.org.uk) and the British

Association for Counselling

and Psychotherapy

(bacp.co.uk).

I advise that you still cast

your net wide and meet

people who could become

friends and perhaps

eventually something

more. There are online

dating sites (such as

Match) and support

groups that might provide

the validation you need to

enable you to persevere

with your search for

love. Have a look at:

openingdoorslondon.org.uk; the

LGBT+ section of ageuk.org.uk;

the Older People’s Project at

switchboard.org.uk; and the

later-life section of stonewall.org.uk.

If you have a problem and

would like Professor Tanya

Byron’s help, email her at

[email protected]

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Madonna and Guy

Ritchie are finally

playing happy

families. Here’s

how to do it, says

Candida Crewe

How to

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