the times | Monday July 20 2020 1GT 7
life
all came together for big blended
family Christmases: my parents,
stepfather and ex-stepmother, and
half-siblings from both sides. Mum
and Dad continued to like, even love
each other, until he died in 1998.
As I write, my ex-husband is in the
kitchen helping our youngest son
with some paperwork. He has been
staying for several days, as he does
occasionally. He came from Northern
Ireland as a birthday surprise for our
oldest son. Just as my parents did, we
speak to and see each other regularly,
socialise together, and talk about our
children, but also other things. How
did we reach this point?
Time, obviously. Once it’s done
its clichéd healing, time’s part is
often unappreciated. But it is huge
and I, for one, owe it a lot. It just
works its magic, especially if you
let it and don’t hold grudges. When
did a grudge ever benefit anyone,
least of all the grudger?Of course the un-meshing of a
life together — shared history and
children and more — was painful.
How could it not be? But after a
couple of years, the anger and hurt
diminished and decency prevailed. He
married again. Recriminations and old
arguments evaporated and a new way
of being evolved over the years. We
found friendship, generosity, fondness
and respect again.
I am asked the whole time, what
is our secret? One word: restraint.
When we came asunder and there
were moments of intense fury, agony
and mad grief, something deep
down told us that it was pure
short-termism to lash out and
say and do vengeful, unforgivable
things, however tempting it was.
At times I felt I had swallowed a
bottle of acid and my insides were
disintegrating, but I held my tongue
and bit my lip, as I am sure he did
too. Why? Because no good couldfor in February when he sent his
ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, a happy
birthday message. That it was on
Instagram and accompanied by a
heart emoji could be seen as a bit
public and stalker-ish, but it could be
interpreted as kind and affectionate.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.
When my ex-husband and I
separated, he said we should take my
parents’ model as our own. They were
married three times each. When they
divorced in 1969 after nine years, they
parted more in sorrow than anger.
They never went to court over money
or me. I’m sure it wasn’t all roses,
but they showed every sign of still
respecting each other and enjoying
each other’s company.
Sometimes Mum used to stay with
my father and stepmother. I look at
photographs of suppers in the 1970s
and we’re all smiling, so even if I had
a child’s rose-coloured spectacles, it
can’t have been bad. In the 1990s, weGuy Ritchie with
Madonna in 2008.
Top left: Ritchie
(with his arm
round his son
Rocco) with
his wife, Jacqui
Ainsley, and
children.
Left: Rocco in- Below:
Candida Crewe
come, only bitterness and inflated
hatred. And it was far more important
to preserve the future relationship
intact than indulge oneself with spite
and nastiness in the wretched
moment. Lack of restraint would
only lead to protracted wretchedness.
Just as people’s capacity for long-
term bitterness is unsettling (how
do they maintain the energy for it,
or interest?), others’ capacity for
forgiveness — or at least tolerance
— is startling, amazing. One
huge-hearted friend doesn’t like
her arsehole of an ex-husband, but
she knows the value of getting on
with him, so smiles and waves and
joins forces for their children’s
birthdays and graduations; invites
him for supper when he picks them
up or drops them off. They rub
along admirably.
Genuine friendship with an
ex-spouse is rare and I am very
lucky, but an ability to pull off a basic
rubbing-along is probably what most
ex-spouses quietly manage to achieve.
Friends who are getting divorced
often ask me for advice. I say: keep
your anger in check; don’t go in for
emotional blackmail; don’t be greedy
about money (my ex-husband and
I worked out our own terms so ourdivorce cost a smug £90 and that’s
not a typo); and, most important, of
all never, ever say a word against
your spouse to the children (who will
anyway protectively stick up for the
parent who is being slagged off, and
resent the slagger-offer for being “so
mean” about the other parent, so it’s
an own goal).
These rules I have stuck to rigidly,
especially the last. I heard a radio
programme on which a panel of
diverse divorce experts agreed that
this was more crucial than anything
else. I thought it might take till their
forties for my children to acknowledge
and appreciate their father’s and my
restraint in this regard, but they first
did so in their teens and continue to
do so (they are 22, 20 and 18).
People see my ex-husband and
I together, often laughing, and ask
me if he and I are going to get back
together. Hello? He is married. And
I have moved on romantically.
Everyone is so used to divorce being
toxic that there is no lexicon —
except for Paltrow’s admirable if
cheesy “conscious uncoupling” —
for an ex-couple who are good
friends in a balanced and decent way,
with boundaries. One divorced
couple I heard about, forced together
against their will in lockdown, are
— three months later — getting
married again, but that’s unusual.
I wonder how long it will be before
Madonna and Ritchie are asked if
they are going to get back together?
Another meeting or two and you
can bet that the questions will start.My friendship is
rare — rubbing
along is what
most exes achieve
WIRE IMAGE/GETTY, GUY RITCHIE/INSTAGRAM, SOLO SYNDICATIONf i Fb
hang out with your ex-husband
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